Screen Shot 2016-08-17 at 3.59.26 PMI speak very openly and candidly about my sexual experiences, desires and inclinations, so it should come as no surprise that I’ve had very open conversations with my girlfriends about masturbation. In regards to the subject of masturbation, there seems to be a common thread amongst my Black girlfriends: They don’t play with themselves.

“Why don’t you masturbate?” I questioned one of my best girlfriends a few days ago.

“Well, because I don’t know how to,” she responded.

As a 26-year-old Black women who knocks one out at least one time a day, I find this hugely problematic. How can grown women not know or care to please themselves? And secondarily, how can these women expect to have sexually fulfilling experiences with men (or even women) if they don’t even know how to get themselves off? Or want to?

There is a pervasive myth that somehow our sexual partners are responsible for our sexual enjoyment and orgasms. It preaches that men should have some magical technique that gets their female partner off, especially before he does, or his inability to do so will be a blight on his manhood. It is not. It teaches women to be passive recipients of sex acts, instead of actively engaged in demanding and acting out their own desires. However, men are not responsible for women’s orgasms anymore than women are responsible for men’s orgasms. That is not how this works.

In truth, both men and women know precisely what to do to their bodies to climax and usually act on these desires during sex in order to achieve orgasm. There is no “one method fits all” approach to sex or climax, so we cannot expect our partners to know some magical trick that should bring us to orgasm. That means women who do not know how to please themselves will likely have far fewer orgasms.

This truism is demonstrated by multiple studies that have found straight women orgasm far fewer than men. One such study found that women only hit the “Big O” 57% of the time during sex. Apparently, the same study found that men orgasm 95% of the time.

Who shoulders the blame for this discrepancies? Why, men of course. 50% of women blamed men’s “poor performance”, which is absolutely hilarious when you think about it. If a woman knows how to bring herself to orgasm, there should be absolutely no reason why she would have to depend on her partner to do so during sex. Don’t get me wrong, it is fantastic to lay around, doing nothing, and have a partner manage to bring us to complete satisfaction. But that happens very infrequently, and not just for women, but for men as well!

There are occasions where, no matter how hard a woman tries, nothing she does will not bring a man to orgasm. In these situations, he will typically take over by engaging in whatever sex act he enjoys, changing positions speed, depth or any number of factors to accommodate his specific desires. I’m sure you ladies have had the experience of trying your hardest to give a hand job or fellatio or even being “on top” and not bringing your partner to orgasm. It happens to the best of us. Because, well, different strokes for different folks.

Men inherently understand that sometimes their partner won’t get the mechanics of their bodies and assert themselves accordingly. Men inherently understand that the person who best knows how to make them come is likely to be themselves.

Yet, many women don’t share that inherent understanding and are still waiting for the very infrequent experience of a partner bringing them to orgasm, while holding their hands all the way there and whispering sweet nothing in their ears.

Ladies, NOPE.

Your pleasure begins with you. With the exploration and understanding of your own body. And most certainly with the ability to induce your own orgasm. For the ladies having a hard time figuring out where to start in that process: Look out for the “10 Step Guide To Self Pleasure” that will be published soon.

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