But where does someone learn this?

This type of fairytalistic viewpoint wasn’t necessarily a practice that was etched into our psyche by gunpoint during home ec. classes. However, that Sally Home-maker mentality— the “Yes Woman” that does as she’s told and not what she wants to do–is a sentiment that hovered heavily over the mind of many teenage girls who could turn on the TV and tune into this ignorance, even if they thought the journey was worth the outcome.

There’s no shame in having respect for your significant other. However, when you apply information like this to life improperly it can mean the difference between a woman who knows how to respect a man and care for herself at the same time, and those who allow someone to walk all over them because they gave up all of their power.

Some women in relationships compromise their worth, integrity, and respect just to have someone to say, “I love you,” to, or in some instances, a reason to complain about being in a relationship.

“He never lets me go out with my girlfriends, but I’m supposed be cool with him not coming home for dinner?”

“I could be having the greatest day in the world, and then John will call and unload all his problems on me like it’s my fault or something.”

“Men are all the same, I just broke up with one who thought it was okay to cheat on me, so why am I going to run out and sign up for the same punishment with a new waste of time?

“I wish my man would stop sweating me about my weight, I know I’ve gained a little, but his lack of support is only making me want to eat more.”

“I buy things for my husband and kids before I even consider getting something for myself. And the worse part about it is that I think they all take me for granted; they never return the favor.”

“It’s my car, but he drives it more than me. I practically have to beg to borrow it.”

However you choose to be controlled–plugging oneself into another soul and granting them power over our emotions and actions–it boils down the same way. The result is always a negative one, however, that hasn’t stopped so many women from kneeling to their chosen misfortune.

Like a light switch, it’s time to shut off the ignorance, while powering up a backbone and some cajones. Being a slave to a man’s wishes, actions, and emotions that do little to support your own needs doesn’t make you a victim of oppression, or a fool for love— it makes you a fool period, especially for forgetting that with every breath we breathe, comes the promise of free will.

Happiness is an option, I challenge you to man your own wheel.

After only a few weeks in the tide, our proposals often get washed away by the panic of having to follow through, or the struggle that comes from wanting instant gratification. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, “Hope Floats,” so I guess the chore of following through with a plan sometimes supersedes the good intention.

Personally, I no longer dabble in the task of setting myself up for a potential failure. For some, resolutions work, but for myself, I opt to live my life day-to-day, making better choices during the necessity of the moment.

What I did do this year, however, is spend my last breaths in 2010 reflecting on my relationships; glaring at the numbers and evaluating whether or not certain individuals in my life truly belonged there, or if they were just cuffing the shadows, waiting with baited breath.

What I realized was that sometimes relationships expire, but still remain on the shelf. Although I have more than a handful of people whom I consider a huge factor in my happiness, there was far too many stragglers who needed to be cut from the sash a long time ago.

One of the hardest things for a person to do is say “Deuces” to someone who’s just lingering in the back. Without a struggle or a conflict there never seems to be a reason for tossing up those two fingers.

We find ourselves just dealing with these people on a sporadic level. When they surface, we play along, but I’ve realized that planting seeds is the way you grow a garden. When you keep the wrong flowers around, they will affect your long-term outcome.

Who are these people I’m referring too? Well, it could be anyone.

Maybe it’s an ex who should have been long gone, but still holds a pass to tip in and out of our conscious. A friendship that has lost its season, but due to that staunch attachment, shaking them off has been an epic battle. It could be someone who doubted your potential, whom you only keep around while you prove their theories wrong. Or possibly an adversary who you grit your teeth at in conversation, but rather than shrugging them off, you keep them at a close distance in order to remain aware of what they have going on.

No matter who it is, these relationships are unhealthy and cost more than their value. Harboring vultures is the surest way to go from being the observer to the one on the menu.

Aside from killing your progress, you’re choosing to carry around unnecessary baggage. I think the only thing we owe ourselves at the top of the year is the comfort of a fresh new start and the end of dead relationships. I’ve created a list of the “types” of people who I consider a hindrance in my life; those who I’ve let stick around too long and who belong on the chopping block.

Don’t feel bad about making any cuts, be relieved that you’re no longer a slave to a lost cause.

Here’s my list of “Deuces” at the start of the New Year.

• Deuces to all of my exes who think that calling me every once in a while guarantees them an open opportunity to try and return in the future.
• Deuces to my fair-weather friends who only come around now because they think my career might go somewhere.
• Deuces to my crowd of doubters. I can no longer spend energy trying to prove you wrong. It’s about proving myself right. You all are no longer a factor.
• Deuces to my frienemies: those whom I know only speak highly of me in my presence, but when I turn around they’re taking shots at my head.
• Deuces to those so-called friends who profess to believe in my future, but secretly work to take me off of my focus because they’re too scared to follow their own heart.
• Deuces to my many haters. You don’t motivate me, I motivate myself.

Clutchettes and Gents, do you know of any “Vultures”? Feel free to add on to my list and kick start a clean slate this year.

Jealousy and envy can be an unconscious struggle. So unconscious that it’s easy to allow yourself to participate in unacceptable behavior. There’s that person you just don’t like, but aren’t certain as to why. That friend whom you want to be happy for, but inside you cringe at their success. Or maybe the guy in your class who’s always bragging about his goals, and now you secretly wish him the worse in his career, when negativity wasn’t your original intention.

But why?

None of these individuals have any control over our future, but if you’re dealing with any personal doubts or fears of inadequacy, it’s easy to find yourself silently competing with them. We chart their every move, reconsider our steps when glancing at theirs, make choices based on their actions, and find ourselves locked in a tug of war, when we’re the only one participating.

I call it the “Eating for two” syndrome; it can be a debilitating issue that’ll take you off of your focus in a heartbeat. But the sad thing is, if you don’t tackle the underlying problem, it’s the surest way to find yourself “eating” alone forever.

If you’re dealing with the “envy bug,” here’s a couple of reasons why that could be, and some different ways you can get over the problem, and get your thinking on the right track.

* Just think—if you had never met your rival before, there wouldn’t be a competition in the first place.
Treat these situations like the person doesn’t even exist. Had you never stumbled upon them in the first place, there’d be no war to wage, or even a competition in place. The two of you would move through the universe successfully, as if either of you didn’t exist.

* Be grateful for your own accomplishments.
It’s easy to forget your own successes, when you have your focus plastered in someone else’s backyard. Did you forget that achievement award? Does the nomination no longer matter? Have you forgotten all the hurdles you’ve jumped over so far? So what if the next person appears to be a few steps ahead of you. Be happy that you’re even a worthy enough opponent, and continue to move forward towards your intended goal.

* Learn to see through the illusion of perfection.
On the surface, the person you envy seems like they have it all worked out. In reality, they probably struggle with the same issues as you, if not more. Remember, if it didn’t come easy for you, it’s not going to be handed to them either. See things for what they are, and not for how you perceive them to be.

* Stop caring, and start doing.
Caring too much about the wrong thing is the quickest way to lose sight of your goal. Why does their life matter to you so much? Your attention should be focused on the execution of your next move, in order to be in position to either join your rival, or surpass them down the road.

* There’s room enough for two.
One person’s success can’t predict another person’s failure. There’s room enough for us all to make it. Focus on having your own voice in your element, and not on having the only voice overall.

Got any more tips and ideas on how to crack the envy bug? We’re all ears?

Finding a good prospect in this day and age is like the “Needle in the Haystack” theory; plenty of straw to sift through, but it remains hard to uncover what you’re looking for without a lot of patience and willpower to not settle for less.

What Racquel wants is simple: a good man, preferably a brother, but she’s not opposed to interracial options. An intelligent male, someone willing to venture off into mind-bending waters and explore the upside of creating memorable dialogue. He must be financially able to run his own colony (take care of himself), sweet-tempered, not into a lot fuss and easy on the eyes.

Sadly, Racquel finds herself searching more than actually being found. Finding love can be a full-time job, and, unfortunately, the work comes in more of a freelance form and doesn’t pay quite what it’s worth.

Interestingly enough, the man who Racquel is searching for is not a mate for herself . . . rather, her continual sifting and digging through personal ads, and the professional men she meets in passing, are in an effort to find the perfect mate to pair with her daughter.

Strange? Well . . .

Racquel Johnson is a fictional character, but, unfortunately, her decision to find her daughter the perfect husband isn’t as far fetched as it seems, nor may it be deemed a bad idea to some parents who believe that without their help their child won’t find the best spouse.

Back when many of our parents were our age, the idea of being single at thirty, a single parent, or bearing children out of wedlock wasn’t entirely a bizarre concept, but it wasn’t the norm like it is today.

With the lack of stable households nowadays, I can see why some parents would be convinced that, when it comes to love, today’s young adults aren’t exactly seeing things clearly, and likely are in need of their parents’ help to find someone worthwhile.

Our moms did exceptional jobs raising us to be upstanding citizens, so why wouldn’t they be the perfect people to identify what’s best for their children? They want for us what we all want: a self-sufficient partner who has a strong moral foundation, and understands what it entails to be in a relationship and won’t sidestep on those responsibilities.

With initiative on a mother’s side, finding a match for her child, or pairing up with other mothers looking to do the same thing, isn’t very hard, thanks to today’s technology.

Datemysinglekid.com is a website founded by mother Geri Brin, that gives a dramatically diverse look at the lengths to which one parent will go in order to find her son or daughter the perfect mate.

On the site, you have the option of browsing through profiles of single “kids,” as well as creating one for your own progeny, to showcase their shining and datable qualities. You can then screen the men/women, and if they fit your standards, you can set them up on a date with your son or daughter.

How easy is that?

Although seemingly archaic, when you consider that monarchies from the days of yore practiced this method, many mothers see no issue with adding a buck to their previous two cents and sticking their nose all the way into their child’s dating practices.

It’s all out of love and concern, and a mother’s desire to not leave their child out on a limb with the wrong husband, but what is intended to be an aid can easily be viewed as an intrusion.

But I can’t call it.

We’ve heard of parents helping their kids to get a job, but is it wrong or right for them to try and pick out their child’s significant other too? What are your thoughts on the matter?

Unless you’re in the midst of a heightened argument, it might be easier to complain behind your man’s back than it is to tell him to his face what you can’t stand about him most.

It’s no secret. Certain things he does continue to bother you. Matter of fact, those issues ride under your skin like a pulsating artery; how he sucks his thumb at night like a child, the annoying way he mispronounces certain words, or those ashy and calloused hands that he allows to live another day without lotion or hand cream—the same crusty hands that he uses to rub you down every night, that just about peel the skin off of your back every time he touches you.

Ouch! But you get the point.

As small as these issues may seem, they’re simple fixes that can be addressed in passing, yet many of us continue to stay mum. Our silence is the exchange for keeping our honeymoon brewing, and the white flag waving in our relationships. But why fear speaking the truth? No one wants to be the recipient of someone else’s critical eye, but being open and honest is far better than forcing yourself to deal with something that continues to annoy you.

If no other woman will be the bearer of bad news . . .

Here’s a few things women wish they could say to men, but are too afraid to.

• Unless you’re a tweener, basketball shorts don’t belong under your jeans! Boxers or Briefs are the wears of grown men.
• If you have a comb over, a front fade that starts towards the middle of your head, or a “peekaboo patch” in the center of the bush, need I say it? You’re balding. Just cut your hair!
• You can tell a lot about a man’s extracurricular activities by looking at the grime under his nails. Scratch much? Please clean them.
• Warning: Your love-making isn’t as good as you think it is. Sometimes I wonder why you even smile after we make love, because I’m the only one experiencing the punch-line.
• God made Listerine so morning kisses wouldn’t cause premature deaths. Use some.
• Your relaxed fits are starting to look like skinny jeans. Either buy new clothes, or lets both get a membership at the gym.
• Every time you take off your shoes, I experience smoke signals, yet no one comes to rescue me. A little foot powder goes a long way, my funky friend.
• There are way too many skincare lines for you to have shave bumps as an adult.
• Some of your gestures during sex are a bit feminine and can be a turn off.
• I’ve had better conversations with a television. Can you act more interested when we talk, or make a conscious effort to be more interesting?
• As if you haven’t heard this before . . . Your mom is pretty mean.
• Genetics are everything. I’m afraid to have children with you because I’m afraid they’ll turn out looking like your family. I’m sorry.
• I’m just not that attracted to you anymore.

I know I can’t be the only one with complaints. So, Clutchettes and Gents, what are some of the things you’ve been wanting to tell your mate that you’re too scared to?

Betrayal hurts. Months and months of happiness mixed in with the good and bad aspects that follow any relationship, to only be trumped by a painful alarm telling you that your perfect man is only a clever imposter.

You don’t need me to tell you this, but there’s nothing enjoyable about wasting your time with a no good man.

The inevitable is impossible to avoid without a crystal ball or a road map drawn out of your destiny. Who wants to sit on guard and always expecting the unexpected? That’s what bitterness is made of. It only deepens the lines of distrust that come from assuming everyone you meet is merely seconds away from hurting you in the long run.

So what do you do?

A warning shot would be nice, or perhaps we could pay better attention to any red flags that were waved in our face beforehand. But if that doesn’t work…

You can always consider the X-Files.

I wonder if Christina Milian wishes she had done a lunch with Nivea to get the 411 on The-Dream.  Is there something you wish you knew about your former or current boyfriend that his ex could’ve told you? Something that would have changed where you’re at now?

Maybe the answers to all of your questions lie with the woman who was there before you. History repeats itself time and time again. Although people have the ability to change, most often we imitate ourselves repeatedly when there’s someone new around who isn’t aware of who we are.

Your man might practice the same tricks, use the same lies, and take you on the same dates he took everyone else on before you. Having an “innocent” conversation with your man’s last girlfriend is probably a surefire way to learn what’s to be expected later on down the road.

She knows all his tactics, his routines, his potential lies, the scapegoats he uses, and his recipe for showing love. She knows him inside and out, and if she’s willing to drop a few tips in your lap, is it wrong to be all ears, or should you be ashamed for even participating in a conversation with your man’s ex?

Well…

Some would chop it up to nothing more than doing your homework – a simple reference check, quite like an employer would do before offering you a position. It’s not much more different than copping a background check on him from the government, creeping on his Facebook page, Googling his name…or driving by his house at night to see what he does when you’re not around.

Whereas most people will argue that consulting his past is an invasion of trust, one can find normalcy in practicing these relationship maneuvers. All options come from the same field of distrust that bad relationships are built, although what makes it a scandalous pursuit is that you’re scavenger hunting his past with someone who probably doesn’t have anything positive to bring to your investigation.

That deed is like pondering the potential elements of truth from out of the mouth of a liar. She has the option to keep it real, but there’s nothing stopping her from sending you down the wrong path either. Her motives for helping may coincide with a hidden plan to reclaim her spot in the long run.

You can’t ever be sure that anything she says can be seen as credible information. You’d do better waiting it out or trusting that there will be a line of error in every relationship. But looking for the worse is likely what brings the worst out of everything.

Should you ask his ex, or wait for life to happen? You be the judge.

I’ve never been one to bite my tongue, and knowing myself and how my thoughts always go from blocks to small cities, I realize that it’s hard to cap a metropolis when mental construction is on the rise.

For women, especially black women, having something to say almost comes as second nature. You rarely ever find us at a loss for words. We speak our minds, whether out of turn or not, and without the necessity of needing any permission.

It’s as if we’re letting the world know time and time again, that we don’t take mess, stand for injustice, and you can’t pull the wool over our eyes — even if you have a sheep farm and we need a sweater.

But if you mesh our outspoken nature and add in the aspect of being in a relationship, a lot of men don’t like this portion. Some find it one of the most prominent reasons for why brothers have found other options when it comes to their racial choices in the dating world.

But not for everyone, I’ll add.

Without extinguishing our ability to speak our minds, there are a great number of brothers who enjoy our freedom of expression and can handle whatever it is we might say as long as it’s within reason and not harmful to their character.

Whether we’re labeled a bitch, nag, psychopath, or drama queen, I’d rather be an opinionated person than someone who goes along with the world and never questions anything or anyone.

Maybe it’s a trademark garnered from the years our ancestors spent fighting for freedom. Standing up for what we think, feel, and believe is something we do without apology but maybe more often then we should.

Choose your arguments wisely, because speaking your mind can have a downside.

Speaking out isn’t really the issue, rather it’s trying to recover from an unknown reaction to our words. Planning the battle doesn’t always denote the end, so even with a verbal Uzi in your hand, sometimes you can end up being the one who’s forced to eat the bullets when it’s all said and done.

It’d be a lie to pretend that whenever sisters go “balls out” they never go too far. Often times, no matter what you may’ve thought, “keeping it real” does go wrong when we opt to speak our minds without considering how our words can affect the other person.

Recently I caught myself speaking out of turn, saying the first thing that came to my mind (which I often do) and wishing that I could recount the event after my tactless honesty had hit the air. Impossible.

What I said doesn’t really matter. But as I look back now, empty-handed and angry at only myself, I wonder how important my speech really was when the words I spoke killed my audience.

Armed with a great excuse for inciting an unnecessary argument, the reaction of my words came from a distaste for a brewing feeling that had gone from a tolerable pain to a blinding agony. Truth of the matter is, I took a temporary frustration and wrote myself a permanent sentence – it cost me a friendship.

Even after a million apologies, we must remember that the latter day doesn’t change the past. You can’t take something you said back; it’s best to think about your options before you choose to open your mouth.

Is this a downside for black women? Or is the fact that we don’t fear expressing ourselves an admirable trait.

It really all depends on who’s observing. The most important thing to remember is that there’s good and bad in everything we do, but if we don’t weigh our options and examine balance, then we become victims of spontaneity and live for seconds rather than hours.

Here are a few things to think about before you commence to speaking your mind.

1. After all is said and done, what is the other party going to think about you going forward?

Being passive is an art, and many of us don’t realize that choosing not to go off doesn’t make you a fool; it just means that you understand the importance of choosing the proper battles. Far too often I think we speak before we’ve given the idea much time to settle. Cussing folks out, fighting to be right, wanting the last say … in the moment, just like a boxer, those things feel necessary. But when looking at your opponent, should you really be trying to knock someone out that you say you love?

2. Since you can’t take back words, statements, or insults, are you running more of a risk opening your mouth, or are you truly helping the situation?

When you call someone out of their name out of spite, anger, or irritation, apologizing doesn’t always lead to resolution, because it can’t take away the fact that you went there in the first place. Sometimes love means admitting you’re wrong when you already know you’re right. Sitting on your hands and letting the universe work everything out can be the best way to see if maybe a problem is all that pertinent or if the big deal is really all in your mind.

3) Who stands to gain from you speaking your mind? If you’re searching for the upper hand in the relationship, you’re forgetting that it’s supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship.

Like Kanye West said, “No one man should have all that power.” If having the last word is about claiming the upper hand, then speaking your mind has become a game of sport and not necessarily a positive tool for getting your point across. Whether it’s a friendship or relationship that your mouth stands to jeopardize, respect should be the common boundary, and when having your say, you should never infringe upon that.

So Clutchettes and Gents, do you think speaking your mind has its positive and negative aspects?

Do you regret something you said recently, and how are you recovering from that experience?

Radio doesn’t have a face, just names and music. It takes the non-discriminatory stance of providing listeners with something to bop their head to, which meets the format desired by its audience. It doesn’t dedicate any unnecessary time in questioning the race, creed, and color of its artists, it just kicks out, good and bad music, no matter who the person is behind the vocals.

Introducing the “Black Pass,” origins unknown, but I’m certain the jargon was born around that time when white artists, who were heavily influenced by the Motown sound, began to take a turn at singing soul music. The idea behind the name was to grant an allowance, by African Americans, to white folks who we’ve deemed “okay” with singing our style of music.

Back in the day, before Black music was a significant fixture on the radio, white artists were known to either remake our songs, or play the copycat role, if you will, by giving a Caucasian twist to a sound we’ve always encompassed. Acts like the Righteous Brothers, and Elvis Presley, to name a few, were known for having an open affair with soul, and were easily given the sliding “Black Pass,” by African Americans who didn’t mind them paying homage to our style.

In current times, the “Black Pass” has been granted to such artists as Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Fergie, Joss Stone, Christina Aguilara, Adele, Tina Marie, Amy Winehouse, Robin Thicke, Pink…

But as all artists begin to expand their sound in every direction by producing music without limits, and creating styles that cross every border, no longer are we concerned with race, but moreover just the creativity of each song. The once known “Black Pass,” has taken a backseat to content, because good music comes from all sides of the border. Or are we still a little on the fence about accepting everyone who emulates our style or our music?

Case in point, Miley Cyrus at the “Much Music Awards.”

Now it’s one thing to “sound Black,” but an entirely other thing to try and act Black, or in a perceived as Black manner, when that’s never been your forte.

No diss to Cyrus, whom I usually don’t ponder on, but the bubble gum pop touting youth, is not someone we’d ever mistake for a “crossover” artist. I’m sure many of us have had a secret love affair with her track, “Party in the USA,” but the respectable pop princess took a different turn last week, after she attempted to add a little Black swag to a stage performance, and even garnered the assistance of another well known white artist in an effort to pull it off.

Picture this: A scantily clad under age Cyrus, taking the stage before a million fans wearing nothing shy of what looked to be merely a bikini top and barely-there shorts, donning a white “Tupac rag” and hitting us with a thug walk. About 2 minutes into her performance, out rolls a “Gangstafied” Justin Bieber decked out in a black t-shirt, black face rag, and Dickies, while sitting down on a lowrider bicycle, folding his arms across his chest like he knows the meaning of “California Love.”

Now I understand we’re all free to express ourselves as we will. But this goes a little to the left when paying homage to Black music and wanting to emulate your favorite stars. This is a “Black Pass,” violation at its finest, because rather than encompassing a Black sound, these two artists have just perpetuated the stereotype folks have about Black people.

“My tummy’s turning, and I’m feeling kinda home sick. Too much pressure and I’m nervous. That’s when the taxi man turned on the radio, and a Jay Z song was on. And a Jay Z song was on…”

Now unless I’ve forgotten my Hip Hop History, I’ve never known Jay-Z to don the former West Coast rap attire, let alone rock a “Tupac Rag” or cruise on a lowrider bike. But please, correct me if I’m wrong. For some reason though, the producer of Miley Cyrus’ performance at the “Much Music Awards,” felt that her anthem and its mentions of her love for Jay Z, would be best reflected if the artist and her backup dancers put a little more West Coast hood in their style and thugged out their performances.

But who am I to judge?

Moments like that make me question whether or not some of the new flock of White artists who desire to gain the attention of all audiences, are just doing so for fun and attention, rather than out of respect for wanting to emulate a sound that many in musical history have always admired. Respect is the key word.

We’ve had the conversation before about “Selling Black?” but now when you have people trying to “Act Black,” for the camera under the advise of the powers that be, I begin to question whether or not we can stomach too much more of the entertainment world and their bright ideas. This assuming you were tickled by the show, or mildly offended by Cyrus and Bieber.

With Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, who was recently nominated for a BET Award for “Best New Artist,” and other artists like Kesha moving further into the forefront of our music scene, I begin to wonder if the Black Pass theory should be reinstated for some, or is it all just music and we should just go with the flow and ignore what the art has become?

I’m on the fence with this one. You be the judge!

What do you think about the new flock of White Artists singing Black Music or acting Black? Should they get a pass, or get passed on?

The sexual tension in the room is thick like vinyl, whilst all is quiet aside from those yearning thoughts intermingling with the sound of Sade’s “Sweetest Taboo” humming out from the iPod dock.

The room is dimly lit by an array of glass hurricanes and tea lights overlooking a roaring fire easing out of the bedrooms corner fireplace.

Wine glasses, strawberries, Cristal on ice…

…and nestled in between the highway to ecstasy and ever after, lies the perfect couple both confident, flawless, and showing no signs of insecurity. Nude and in their prelude to making love.
Yeah okay, maybe in the movies. Cue: record scratching sound effect.

Let’s try this again… Take 2.

It’s 1 a.m., and that someone special has decided to walk you all the way to the front door after an incredible date. You already know it’s about to go down, since the two of you have been dancing around the horizontal waltz for far too long.

So far so good, after the first rounds of your short-lived courtship. But holding hands in the park, and canoodling at the movies is a far cry from loving in the buff, and waking up to misplaced eyelashes, crooked lacefronts and girdle free mid-sections.

So there you are, wrestling with your clothing, about to “Set it Off.” And no I’m not talking about robbing banks, but rather gearing up for your first intimate encounter with that new man in your life.

The first thought on your mind: “Does my underwear match my bra?”

Your second: “I wonder what he’s going to think about me without makeup on in the morning.”

Your third: “Wow! This is the first time he’s going to see me naked and I wonder how long I can hold in my pudge before I pass out.”

And your final thought: “Gravity is the number one enemy to every push-up bra.”

Insecurities.

It’s likely happened to all of us once or twice in a lifetime, and if that weren’t true, comedians like Katt Williams wouldn’t have written those truths into his 2006 comedy video “The Pimp Chronicles.”

What goes on between the sheets is a very personal moment of self-exposure. You’re leaving yourself open for examination, vulnerable to the eyes of another, and in the dark about what’s racing through their thoughts at that moment.

Now sure we’re all different, and we’re all going to have a varying mindset when it comes to our anxieties before sex. I’m not insinuating every woman on earth has an extreme case of discontent, nor am I stating every time we ladies are getting ready to share our bed, we go through a major bout of lost self-confidence.

One thing is for certain, no woman or man is totally free from occasionally getting bit by the insecurity bug when it’s their first time making love to someone new. It’s natural to be nervous, have questions, and anxieties. It shows you care about what the person you’re with thinks of you. And I concede to that being a valid question because you’re sharing something as precious as your body with someone.

But what’s to blame?

The portrayal of seemingly picture perfect women in the media is sometimes the culprit behind a lot of our misguided thoughts of self. But just because the idea they’re projecting is of the notion we all should look like Zoe Saldana, or Beyonce, doesn’t mean one has to buy into the product they’re selling. Self-love, no matter where you think you fall short is the perfect poison for any moment of personal doubt.

Most of the time, a man really doesn’t care for anything more than sealing the deal on the table. We’re usually the ones caught up with the critical eye of over-examining things. And unless you have a career in “After Hours” entertainment, I think it’s expected you’re not necessarily going to look like a porn star 24/7, or be a walking portrait of perfection– which none of those women are.

There’s no better way to find out an answer to a question, than to go to the source. We decided to delve into the male perspective on the matter, and five men stepped up to the plate to share their thoughts on the situation. Here’s what they had to say about women when they’re heading between the sheets.

Comedians like Katt Williams have said that a man doesn’t care what a woman looks like, when they’re about to have sex. What personally goes through your mind when you’re about to make love to a woman?

Yes. This is very true. A man doesn’t care about whether or not a woman has stretch marks or anything of that sort. If we’re about to have sex, the last thing on our minds is how she looks. When I’m in the moment with a woman I’m trying to reach two goals: getting mine and making sure that she gets hers (if not more than once). – E. Naugher, 30, Self-Employed

The thing that goes through my mind before I make love to a woman is how bad I want to satisfy her so she feels happy. – O. Betiku, 29, Chemist/Model/Actor

A woman’s exterior in or outside of the bedroom matters very little to me. So, I couldn’t agree more with Mr. Katt Williams. What usually goes through my mind when I am about to make love to a woman is, “How lucky am I to be able share this special moment with this lady.” During the lovemaking I can only think of how much I can remind her that she is beautiful and amazing. Afterwards, I remind her that these are the times she looks the best: bed hair, perspiration dripping, and the massive glow radiating through the entire bedroom. – E. Jackson, 35, Photographer

Figures matter… or maybe that’s what women think men care about the most. Does a lady’s shape or size, ever run through your mind when you’re in the mood, and has it ever stopped you from going all the way?

Size doesn’t always matter to me. I don’t care if she’s big, small, short, or skinny, if we’re about to get it on, we’re going to do so regardless. But I would rather have a big gal because to me, there’s just more cushion for the pushin’. – E. Naugher, 30, Self-Employed

Not really, especially now since I’m older. I used to be picky and missed out on a lot of nice women. For me, she can’t be ultra skinny, or a SSBBW. Men are visual creatures, if a woman looks sexy performing her duties, then it’s cool. – S. Williams, 30, Producer (Villain Fan Club)

I must be attracted to a woman to make love to her. – D. Gray, 43, owner of Gray Media Productions, LLC

I do think figures matter to a certain extent, because it helps to attract you and get your gears turning. I also think it helps to know that when your partner is in good shape and health, they could actually keep up with you. – O. Betiku, 29, Chemist/Model/Actor

I do not believe I have ever allowed a woman’s figure to hinder me from “going all the way.” A woman’s frame has no relevance on the experience of being with her. – E. Jackson, 35, Photographer

Do you ever feel self-conscious about anything when you’re in the nude, or is that merely a woman’s issue?

Everyone is self-conscious, but it’s more so a woman’s issue than a man’s, I think. – E. Naugher, 30, Self-Employed

No, dudes have the same issues too. Everyone wants to be in tip-top shape, but guys do get over this quicker, rather it be in that moment, or at an early age. – S. Williams, 30, Producer (Villain Fan Club)

I don’t feel self conscious in the nude at all. In fact I even feel more confident that way. – O. Betiku, 29, Chemist/Model/Actor

Does insecurity turn you off? You know… how some women like to keep the lights off when it’s time for bed.

No. I like to make a woman feel very special. Every woman is movable art to me, which means that every woman is beautiful in their own special way. – E. Naugher, 30, Self-Employed

It’s wack that you have to tell your girl that her hair looks good about fifty times in 1 day, because she’s not used to her new hair color. – S. Williams, 30, Producer (Villain Fan Club)

I do think it is important for a woman to be confident about herself and her body. And most of the times when a woman is in good physical and mental shape, you don’t have to worry about the insecurities, and you can keep the lights on or off. But I’ll tell you this, I would prefer a woman with a few extra pounds who is confident in herself, than a woman who is about average and has no confidence. – O. Betiku, 29, Chemist/Model/Actor

I consider myself very understanding, and sometimes with the lights out it can heighten our senses in the bedroom. Touch then becomes a necessity. – E. Jackson, 35, Photographer

Is there anything you want to say to women, that you want them to know when it comes to their body, insecurity, etc.?

Just be comfortable with who you are, and don’t change that unless you want to, or for health or medical reasons. Either than that, if a man doesn’t like you for whatever size that you are, he’s not the right one for you, and he’s just a little boy pretending to be a man. – E. Naugher, 30, Self-Employed

Not everyone can have just anybody they want. A lot of that sex appeal comes from status, like fame, money, and things of that nature. All of your bodies are more than likely good to someone, and some people have standards about what they want and there’s nothing wrong with that. We all get dissed, I know I have, but I keep it moving, spread myself out, and network. Someone will say yes. – S. Williams, 30, Producer (Villain Fan Club)

I feel if a man is about to make love to you, he is already attracted to you, therefore you should let all inhibitions go, and be free to have fun! – D. Gray, 43, owner of Gray Media Productions, LLC

Beauty comes in all different shapes and sizes, and natural beauty free of cosmetic surgery and excessive make up is the greatest beauty of all. – O. Betiku, 29, Chemist/Model/Actor

Be comfortable in your own skin. – E. Jackson, 35, Photographer

In theory, the essence of my decision came from the knowledge that as life blows in new seasons, so goes the things that can’t sustain change.

He and I held no claim on loves victory, because as cold as a winter gets, ours was an inevitable destiny frozen like Never Neverland.

Between the two of us, the only resolve there ever was, would be for me to pack up my unanswered feelings and invest them in myself, while my growing hope was that someone new would appreciate my unabridged offering.

Yet even as I found myself in the presence of new circumstances, I still had that irreplaceable thirst; that parched discomfort that was yet to be voided by my current river at hand. He was still yanking at my heartstrings, and I was still interested in secretly playing to his demand.

A Case of the Ex. That was the proper diagnosis for my hearts personal disease.

Although I knew I didn’t want him back, I sure as hell didn’t know how to entirely walk away from his residue.

The “him” I’m referring to has several names, all unevenly attached to the many editors of my heart. Like most of us who dared to live and love for several seasons, it’s common knowledge feelings don’t die just because yesterday washed away.

As I whip out my phone, the speed dials lead the hunt in all my dirty little secrets. 19, 11, 8, 3… Yes, 3 is the reason I can’t exchange those distant memories for all that “now” has to offer me.

You see “love” really is just exes and o’s, and for many women and men, there’s a game of risk within each celebration. You have the new man in your life, yet for some reason that ex-boyfriend is still present and keeps haunting your daydreams.

Why is that?

Our list of excuses never fail to leave the obvious thoughts answered, because although we “say he’s just a friend,” most of us are smart enough to know better when it comes to mixing our former lives with those of the present.

Just like love draws a line in the sand, so should our friendships when we’re in a new relationship with someone. He or she is an ex for a reason, so in consideration of your current love affair, you might want to cut ties before the current relationship disappears.

Who wants to date someone that’s still making phone calls back and forth to their ex, or hanging out from time to time to shop for ferns or kitchen accessories? Sure it seems innocent, but so are walks in the park. Everything depends on your objective.

So is the ex around because you’re hoping that maybe they’ll have some sort of epiphany and wake to meet the challenge of giving it a second try? Are you keeping a close thumb on old love, just in case if he or she changes for the better, you can reserve the right to pick back up where the two of you left off? Or was the relationship soured by continual differences, but when it comes to your former life in the bedroom, the two of you want to reserve the right to secretly reconnect for a few more headboard bumps, and horizontal conversations.

Since decisions come from an individual standpoint, in many cases I’d be no more than “the pot calling the kettle black,” if anyone ever checked my monthly phone records. I can attest to the fact that my dealings with the exes are strictly innocent. But for those of you who are still sidestepping on your truth, here’s a few pros and cons to weigh when it comes to your relationship with your exes.

Pro’s:

When the going gets tough, sometimes it’s nice to have a man around who knows you inside and out, to help wash away the confusion.

Let’s face it, the new guy is probably going to make a few mistakes, and you sure as heck aren’t a perfect princess either. If I ever want to know what my biggest annoyances are, and how I expect someone to deal with them, I can call Arthur on the phone, and he’ll give me the best advice. Yes, our interest in each other is strictly platonic, but all the reasons why I fell in love with him, are also the motivating factors as to why I still want to keep him as a friend. There’s just some things about ourselves that you might not yet want to share with your current love, that old flames can help resolve.

Things that go bump in the night…

Don’t even try and pretend that crinkling the keys on the old ivory isn’t something you’ve found yourself doing once or twice out of anger–unless of course you know better. I’m referring to cheating with the ex because you’re pissed off at your current love. This isn’t really a pro, but I guess having a fall back booty call you’re already familiar with is slightly better than running out and trying to meet someone new. My advice would be to find a different way to blow off your steam. Far too often people think you have to go backwards in order to go forward. Bad idea.

Good friends are hard to find.

Not every ex is sticking around for some hidden reason. Just because the sexual part of the relationship expires, doesn’t mean the attachment has to follow. Good friends truly are hard to find, so if your ex is someone you genuinely care about, their place marker in your life might be just the thing you need to be that added support system, like any other friend would be considered.

The Cons:

If it looks like a duck…

To you, everything might be peaches and cream, the veil of innocence, or just easy conversation. But to someone on the outside looking in, keeping old doors open, might make for an uncomfortable new start to the current relationship. You have to meet people where they’re at, and a lot of us have been brow beaten by so many sour lovers, that we’re trained to think the worst in many of the individuals we encounter. Even though you know you’re keeping more than just the wind between you and your friendship with an ex, those prominent lines might look invisible to an insecure person. In other words, it could end up costing you your new relationship.

Backtracking is a no no…

Well at least in this case it is. If you’re the type of person who likes to frolic between two parking lots, then might I advise you,  you only get so much tread on your tires before you need to replace them. If you’re using your ex as a go between for when you’re mad at your current love, or simply because you don’t want to say goodbye to those former ribbons of lust, than you’re leaving yourself open for bigger problems. “You are not the father…” We’ve all seen Maury Povich, and as funny as the show is, too often women find themselves in situations where straddling the fence gets them in trouble. It should be either one or the other.

You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone…

Have you ever realized you were in love with someone either than the person you’re with? Yeah. We’ve all heard the stories before, and many of our hearts have been the victims. The biggest problem with having unresolved feelings for someone who’s casually hanging around, is that when you least expect it, the duality of your heart could lead you torn between two loves and forced to draw a line in the sand to decide which route would be best to take when you’re in love with two men. Any way you look it, someone stands to get hurt, and if you don’t choose correctly, you might end up the one licking your wounds. Holding on to old love is truly not a good move. A good idea would be to get out of one situation entirely, before getting in a new one.