Where has the personal connection gone?

It’s a question I find myself asking all to often, especially when it comes to dating in this day and age. I dread dating any man who’d rather text than pick up the phone and talk to me. How can we possibly get to know each other if I can’t hear your voice? I once went on a date with a guy who I had only met one time in person through a mutual friend, but we never actually talked on the phone. He only texted me and for some reason I thought this was ok, but after a month (thankfully) my friend called me out on it.

“You’re being e-maintained honey…” she told me casually. “I’m being what?” I asked incredibly confused, never hearing of the term before.

“E-MAINTAINED. It’s the lowest amount of effort with a higher amount of return.”

I let it sink in that in fact this guy was in fact doing this to me. I would smile every time he casually sent a text because I said oh he must be “thinking” about me. This is his way of showing it right? Wrong. So wrong.

I debated this with my friend and thought of a thousand excuses why he didn’t call often, well ok not at all (it’s 2012 no one likes to use the phone, he’s busy like me, texting is a lot easier and less awkward, maybe he just really hates the phone). I realized none of these were valid excuses and after talking to a few of my guy friends I also came to the conclusion that this guy was keeping me at arm’s length. He was making me feel like he was on top of it with his casual text, when in reality he was probably sending the same kinds of “checking on you, hello” text messages out to all of his options.

Oh.

And not to say its just men, women are just as guilty of doing the same thing. However, in 2013 I will be picking up the phone and saying goodbye to anyone who doesn’t want to do the same. I’m worth the effort and so are you!

The post E-Maintained, Are You A Victim? appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

It hadn’t occurred to me until just recently that I had completely forgotten about myself while planning my white picket fence dreams. Nowhere had I included the many things I want to accomplish for myself before and after children. “Marriage is a sacrificial commitment that requires death to self,” someone tweeted this morning. “So naturally some personal aspirations will have to be forgotten.”

That statement made me stop in my tracks as I quickly saw my dreams of having both a family and excellent career fading. I have to admit the thought of marriage in my mid-20s and even late 20s has always seemed daunting. The thought of not being able to move across the country at a moment’s notice if my career requires it has never been a thought. The freedom of life with no strings and no kids easily can be taken for granted as a young woman, especially since it’s a freedom that most likely will not always be there. There’s a constant pressure you face as a woman to accomplish  “the world” by 30-something. You have to live out your dreams, have kids, meet and fall in love with a man, and sacrifice your singleness all in a short amount of time. It’s a lot, and the thought of giving up “myself” is extremely frightening.

“You’ll just have to get over that fear,” said one friend in her late 20s and married with one kid. “You won’t be able to do everything you want to do; motherhood and marriage just don’t work that way. Being a mother and a wife are two of the most selfless things you’ll ever do in your life. So before you say ‘I do,’ make sure it’s absolutely what you want, because there’s no going back.”

It is what I want. I think.

But like so many powerful women say, “You really can have it all, just not at the same time.”

The post I Do, I Think appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

Last week, a few of my male friends were passing this article around like it was the newly added 11^th commandment.

“This makes me want to be single,” one married friend said.  “Wow, this is so real, wish I had read it earlier,” an engaged friend responded. “He touched on everything in the article, I know a lot of men who feel like this, but would never say it to the women in their lives,” another guy friend stated.

The article entitled “Don’t Put A Ring On It,” dives into the rarely discussed topic of men settling down and marrying their women because it’s the “right” thing to do and not necessarily because they want too. Although I agreed with mostly everything in the piece, it still left me feeling a bit duped. I shuttered at the thought of women around the world (including a few of my friends), who are in long-term relationships, thinking they’re so lucky because they’ve “found the one,” yet in reality the man isn’t exactly feeling the same way. How selfish. The author of the viral article even went so far as to compare forced relationships to basketball star Lebron James failed attempt at getting a championship ring and pointed out the fact that women will NOT say no if you ask for their hand in marriage.

“Long time relationships have men feeling like Lebron James in the 4th quarter. We know everyone around us is waiting for us to make that shot, but we don’t want to take it. We’re not confident and it shows, so when we force ourselves to marry and it doesn’t work out, it’s like Bron missing that jump shot– we blame everyone around us. We as men don’t have to marry anyone we don’t want to marry. Marriage is such a big step that you have to be selfish. I have a friend who recently got separated, he knew he didn’t want to marry that woman, but because of that full court pressure she and her family put on him he said, ‘I might as well, ain’t nothing else popping right now.’ It’s time to stop going ‘might as well’ and start waiting for, ‘Damn, I want this girl forever ever.’ Trust me; it’s a totally different feeling. I want every man to aim for what he wants, not what is easiest to attain. You can fake being content for a few years but eventually you’re going to start creeping with shorty that’s more your speed or start hanging with your homeboys every night instead of rushing home to the wife and kids. First comes love, then comes marriage, and then comes marriage counseling because your dumb ass skipped the first step. If you don’t want her, don’t put a ring on it.”

Duh! I found myself shouting at the computer screen. Haven’t men been getting the same lecture that women have been getting from their mothers, grandmothers, and aunties since coming of age? Have some men missed out on the profound advice that you’re never supposed to settle?

“Don’t dim your light just to be walking around with someone on your arm, don’t you ever do that!” media maven Oprah Winfrey publically informed a heartbroken Serena Williams a few years ago. Although I’ve heard this message my entire adult life, it took on a different meaning when Oprah said it to Serena. Perhaps it was because one powerful woman was saying it to another powerful woman, but it’s a quote that I’m sure I’ll never forget. So often women are told to go after their dream mate and find someone who compliments them. Are men not being told the same thing?

It’s disheartening to think that any woman is out there “catering” to her man as the article pointed out, thinking she’s doing what she needs to do to keep him happy and the fire burning in their relationship, and in actuality, he doesn’t really want to be with her: he’s just “comfortable.” Wait a minute, what? And yes I know some women are just as guilty for staying in relationships or even marriages because it’s easy and not necessarily due to complete happiness. Whatever the case, it reminded me of how significant honesty is, and how much time is wasted when you’re not completely honest with the person you love or think you love.

Here’s a thought, let’s stop fooling each other. Fellas, if you don’t want to marry us, don’t string us a long, don’t bring the topic of marriage up, and certainly don’t ask us to marry you if it’s not whole heartedly what you want. Ladies unless you know for sure that it’s love with no boundaries, no walls, no fears, no pressure, and not an ounce of hesitancy — don’t you dare say yes.

The post Have We Been Duped? appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

Although only White and Hary know what actually happened, it’s certainly not an unfamiliar story. Almost inevitably, your ex-boo hurt you and before you know it, they’ve moved on, not only with their love life, but they seem to be succeeding in every other aspect of life as well. And it just seems so unfair.

I never realized that Karma doesn’t always work when you want her too until I had my first real heartbreak in high school. Back then, I learned that she has her own schedule.

When I was a freshman, I had the biggest crush on the same guy for three months and it was no secret amongst my group of small girlfriends, which is why I was shocked when I spotted one of them holding his hand at lunch over chicken fingers and fries. I cringed at the sight, ran out of the cafeteria and vented to my other friends that she was officially out of the circle.  She had done the unthinkable, and surely karma would come her way, right?

But it didn’t. My ex-friend went on to be my crush’s girlfriend for over a year, she succeeded in her academics and sports and had a great time doing it all. The worse part about it is that although she did later apologize to me, there was nothing genuine about her regret. I don’t think she was ever really sorry or cared about my feelings one bit. She only said it to make herself feel better. Either way I was hurt by the entire thing and said a silent prayer that she would learn her lesson even if I never got a front row seat to witness the payback.

Although that was a long time ago and I’d forgotten all about it, recently an old high school friend brought it all back up, telling me that my ex-bestie had married early, but was in the middle of an ugly divorce. And while I didn’t get any joy from the news of her heartbreak (it was high school after all)–or feel anything at all for that matter—I wondered if her situation was karma rearing its head.

Whether it’s the married man that cheats on his wife with seemingly no consequences, the parent who abandons their child, the backstabber at work, or the man or woman who broke your heart so bad that you’re convinced you’ll never be in love again, don’t seek revenge, wish them harm or even get mad at their supposed successes.

Bid them adieu, let go of the pain they caused you, and move on.

In the end, the Universe never forgets, and your big sister Karma will be waiting.

Someone once said, “don’t seek revenge on the people who did you wrong, God can take care of them far better than you can.”

And I certainly agree with that.

The post Let Karma Handle It appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

“I‘m not good enough to be on her arm,” one of my guy friends confessed over drinks not long ago.

He looked distraught, as if his entire world had just crashed around him and there was nothing that he could do about it. Dark circles from sleepless nights marred his usually bright eyes. And although his enthusiasm about life is always on ten, on this particular night it was barely a one. He looked downright pitiful and it was because he had just found out the woman he thought was falling for him was only using him for sex.

Although I understood his shock, I couldn’t, and still don’t, understand how he didn’t see the signs.

In the five months they were seeing each other they rarely hung out in public, she never introduced him to her family or friends, and aside from enjoying each other in the bedroom, they didn’t seem to have much in common.

From the beginning they were an odd pair. She comes from money and an elite life, while he works hard for everything he has. Though a persons background might not matter to some, it did to her. And after a week of ignoring his calls, she dropped a bomb; she was engaged. Despite getting it on with my friend for months, she had been dating another man for four years who was everything on paper, except what she needed in the bedroom.

“I think the hardest part of realizing that she had no feelings at all for me besides the sex is that she spent so much time pretending that she did,” he told us.

Eventually, the woman confessed to him that, despite her engagement, she would still like to continue to see him. While some men may have jumped at the chance to have no-strings-attached sex with a beautiful woman, it left my friend disturbed and with no other choice but to walk away.

I tried to find the words to comfort him, but nothing seemed to help. He was nothing but a boy toy to her and she never had any intention of being in a serious relationship with him. In her mind he wasn’t good enough to take to company events, to meet her parents, or even accompany her on a dinner date to a popular restaurant. The only thing he seemed to be good enough for was pleasing her, which was a sad reality that hit my dear friend like a sledgehammer.

The entire situation made me think about the cheating, and its various double standards. Typically, cheating is associated with men and even the language we use to describe it–jump off, a side-piece, mistress—all relate to men stepping out with other women. But very rarely do we talk about the women who cheat, digging their heels so deep in a man’s heart that he has a hard time ever trusting another woman again.

Many times we jump on men for their wrongdoings without ever considering where their shadiness might have started in the first place. While it doesn’t mean they get a pass for their dirt (because they don’t), my friend’s situation was a reminder that men get broken hearts too.

I used to laugh at my male friends when they would say they were having a hard time finding a woman to get serious with because of trust issues. Impossible, I would think, they have so many options when it comes to good woman to choose from.

Now, I understand that you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. The beautiful woman with the fancy title, full bank account, enormous diamond engagement ring and great guy on her arm who seems to have it all—just might…and then some.

But like I told my friend, sometimes in life you have to learn to love what’s good for you and not what you think is good for you. But that might be another discussion for another day.

The post Men Can Be Side-Pieces Too appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

“I want you to be 100 with me,” Evelyn cried. “I’d rather know. Tell me, I want to know. Go to the pharmacy and get condoms. I’m going to be sick like a mother—-er, but what can I do but respect you and know that you’re telling me the truth rather than hide it. At the end the day you don’t have to tell me nothing. I don’t want to have to babysit you, but I’d rather you be real with me because Lord knows what could happen.”

My first thought was disappointment. Disappointment that yet another woman of color was on national television sending a horrible message to the millions of young women who tune in every week to watch the show. I cringed at the thought of some woman out there accepting that her man’s going to cheat here and there, and she’s just supposed to deal with it the best way she knows how.

“He’s a ball player, so Evelyn already knows what the situation is,” one of my good guy friends casually explained to me. “She can either deal with it or be gone, because he’s going to cheat.”

Deal with it or be gone? Is that the only option? That can’t be the only option.

While ballplayers and extremely successful men are known to be more prone to step-out on their women, they certainly aren’t the only one’s.  According to a recent study, about 70% of married men admitted to cheating on their wives. It is also estimated that roughly 30% to 60% of all married couples will engage in some form of infidelity at some point during the course of their marriage.

“We live in different times,” one of my close girlfriends assured me. “More than likely you will get cheated on. Many men keep options on the side and women too. Even if you’re not sleeping with that person, most never completely cut strings of old flames or new one’s.” And to my surprise a number of my girlfriends agreed with her.

Maybe I’m old fashioned or in serious denial of the times, but whatever happened to being “enough” for your significant other? While we’re all human and there’s no question that temptation from the opposite sex is there, is it naïve to think that in today’s twenty-four hour world of new technology and immediate gratification, that monogamy is no longer an option ?

Yes, it does seem that faithfulness is not winning these days, with cheating scandals always in the news, constantly the center of attention on top rated reality shows, continuously discussed on social networks and even the topic of conversation at our dinner tables. Still, looking at strong couples of color like Kimora Lee and Dijimon Hounsou, Denzel and Pauletta Washington, Spike Lee and Tonya Lee, Boris Kodjoe and Nicole Ari Parker, Grant and Tamia Hill, President Barack and Michelle Obama and more importantly my parents and grandparents show me that faithfulness in a relationship should not only be an option, it should be a priority.

I refuse to give in and believe that I can’t be “good enough” for the man that loves me. I KNOW I’m good enough, matter of fact, I’m great enough and you are too!

The post I Am Good Enough, Are You? appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

“How would you feel if we were married, you stepped out on me and the court ruled that you had to give me half of the fortune you’d worked so hard to earn,” my guy friend asked me. I’d never really thought about it like that until I heard about the recent news of comedian Russell Brand and pop star Katy Perry’s marriage ending. Reportedly the couple didn’t have a prenuptial agreement, which means disaster for Perry. The California divorcing law states: California is a community property state. Except as otherwise provided by statute, all property, real or personal, wherever situated, acquired by a married person during the marriage while domiciled in this state is community property.

Perry is obviously the bigger star among the two with Grammy nominations, hit songs and a sold out tour in 2011 alone. She’s made far more money than her estranged husband, which means half of what she’s earned during the marriage will now go to him and possible spousal support. I cringed at the thought of Brand receiving what Perry had worked so hard to earn. He hadn’t written a single song, performed for thousands of people or got nominated for any awards.

Wait a minute; I’m starting to sound like my ignorant guy friend.

Perhaps it’s because rarely do you hear of a woman’s property and fortune being taken during a divorce. In fact it is more than likely us who receives custody of the children, ownership of the house, child support and spousal support. Generally, we seem to get it all.

It occurred to me after my friend’s statement that yes, women can be extremely biased when it comes to discussing who gets what during a divorce. We cheered on Juanita Jordan when she received $168 million dollars in her divorce settlement, stood to our feet when Angela Bassett proudly burned her husband’s car and clothes in Waiting to Exhale and cleaned him out in court. We adore Ivanka Trump and shouted halleluiah when Shelia Johnson received $400 million dollars in her divorce settlement (She earned it, though. She helped  create BET).

However, we get upset when we hear about stories like Perry and cursed when we heard Madonna had to pay her ex-husband Guy Ritchie reportedly $90 million dollars in their divorce settlement. “It’s just not fair,” many of us shouted. But isn’t it?

Why should men work a lifetime to build their empire and give half to us, yet we get mad if we have to do the same? It seems unfair on both ends and it is. Marriage is tough and divorce is even tougher. Be smart before you say I do, it sometimes comes with an unexpected price.

I don’t know about you, but as for me in the great words of Yeezy, “we want pre-nup!”

The post Are We Biased? appeared first on Clutch Magazine.