How perfect would relationships be if we could customize it to fit our exact values, wants, needs and dreams? Imagine if you could “shop” for a guy, pick out the one you liked best and send him off to the tailor so he can return custom made to fit you and only you perfectly. Having your exact measurements, he is now capable of exceeding your standards and expectations all while looking good doing so. Perfect right? Well if we were walking down runways instead of aisles our love lives would be top models. But since relationships are not woven in fashion houses, Couple Couture may have to be designed by us.

Our homes may have to become our favorite fashion houses for our relationships. In order to get the “perfect fit” we all endlessly search for, we must become our own designers. And just like any good designer we must be willing to study the craft, keep up with trends, be willing to change and be versatile, and demand exclusive rights to our finished products. But more importantly we must be willing to put in the time and have the patience to do so. Quality work results in a quality product, and the time and effort we spend learning our mates, learning to compromise and communicate we will ultimately produce a piece of art. In being relationship couturiers our attention to detail will play a major part in the success of our designs. As we build our blueprint we must listen and watch for clues that will give us insight into our mates. The majority of our relationship faux pas are due to our lack of attention. We often see and hear what we want to instead of what is shown to us.

Once we master the art of detail, we can then begin to design the union that fits our personalities and needs. In the beginning of any relationship, our first draft will include all the great things about each other and of all the things we want. This drawing will only reflect the newness of one another and the possibilities that can occur. After this outline is drawn and the freshness starts to die down, we must prepare to make revisions to fit the new size of the relationship. This stage of the design process is where we usually get into trouble. We seem to ignore the fact that our perfect sketch’s need to be erased or revised a few times before the perfect finished product is ever produced. As the relationship develops and we being too learn more about a person we must be willing to shift gears to fit into its new mold. The process of revising our fantasies and ideas is often the reason why many of us are arrested by the fashion police. Our unwillingness to follow the fashion rules is the reason why our relationships become subpar.

So fashionistas, relationships may never be as perfect as your favorite couture but you can design a union that is perfect for you if you are willing to put in the custom made work.

For more of Rashana please visit www.rashanahooks.blogspot.com.

I often question why most women don’t ask for what they want and deserve. Unlike our male counterparts we seem to be fearful of expressing our true needs and desires. I’m not sure if it is the fear of rejection or the fear of actually receiving our requests that hinders us. Every time I think about it, I hear my mother’s saying: “When you know better, you do better.” Her reasoning is why I guarantee that if more women believed they deserved better, they will have better. That applies to EVERYTHING – including love, life and all the in-betweens. It saddens me that to this day society stills labels women who know and ask for what they want high maintenance, difficult, demanding, and my favorite, a diva.

As you read this article I want you to begin to evaluate the areas in your life where you know deep down, is not what you hoped for. It might be your relationship where you are not a priority but an option, or your job (not career) you report to everyday that is just good enough to pay your bills but not your passion, or your savings account you wished had a little more zeros in it to purchase that dream home you’ve always wanted. Whatever your desires may be, understand that in order to ultimately obtain what you really want you must have a feeling of entitlement. Because without it, your wants will never be your haves. Your entitlement will breed confidence and courage that will erase your fears and conquer your desires.

Ironically, the very act of asking for what YOU want is one of the hardest habits to start.

Ironically, the very act of asking for what YOU want is one of the hardest habits to start. You would think it would be as simple as one, two, three. But in reality it’s not that easy. It requires practice, skill, tailoring, negotiation and clear objectives. To prepare yourself for the grander wants, start out small and gradually work your confidence up. For example, the next time you are out dining at a restaurant and the host places you at a table you really don’t care for, ask for your preferred seating placement. Or when you go to the hairdresser and after the third wash you really want one more plus a special conditioner, ask for it. By practicing with these smaller requests you will get in the habit of satisfying your needs and realizing that if you don’t tell others what you want, you can’t expect them to know. It’s only when you begin to communicate your value and worth to the world that it will respond to you in a reciprocating voice.

Remember you teach people how to treat you, so educate them well.

Many times our cover stories are a drastic contrast from the chapters in our books. Our pages our filled with content detailing our lives which tell a deeper story of who we truly are behind the image we project. Under the flawless make-up and designer clothes may be an unhappy woman who masks her pain with materialism. Or the woman who seems to always get ahead both professionally and personally may have sacrificed more than one could ever imagine and is now reaping the benefits of her hard work and patience. Regardless of the circumstance, the common factor is every woman has a story and nothing is ever what it appears to be. If more sisters took the time to remember this fact, I’m sure there would be less hate, judgment and insecurities in all of us.

Over the years I’ve come to realize that the main reason why women choose to judge and ultimately hate on each other is because the woman who is perceived to have it all is a stark reminder to the other woman of what she could have become had she made some different choices in her life. Our unhappiness with ourselves and our life is the reason why we pre-judge and envy other women. However, with all choices there are sacrifices associated with them and many of us yearn for the glory but don’t want to pay for the fame. It’s so easy to conclude that all sisters who appear to “have it all” are spoiled, special or just lucky. It’s even easier to believe that they had no hardships or setbacks to prevent them from reaching their full potential. Both of these assumptions underline the cause and effect of pre-judgment and why they are almost always wrong. Every woman has a story, some better or worse than others but there is still a story that defines who she is. Her fabulous appearance does not make her any less immune to the up’s and down’s of life. We must stop judging our “books” by their “covers” and take the time to read our chapters. I’m sure we will soon learn it’s not always the fairytale imagined.

So the next time you think someone’s grass is greener than yours, instead of stepping on their lawn ask them how much their water bill is….

Our use of the word “but” has become so popular it’s almost like second nature to include it in any given conversation. We’ve become so conditioned to speak to the contrary of our words we seldom realize that we are our worst enemy. It doesn’t matter what we are discussing or considering – going back to school, purchasing a home, ending a relationship or following a life long dream – we always seem to have a “but” after we declare what we want and deserve. We more so use the term when we defend others unacceptable behaviors towards us. For some reason we believe there is a theory and/or excuse on why others mistreat us. I understand as women we are emotional and have the unique ability to psychoanalyze other’s behaviors but we can not allow that quality to harm nor hold us back. By “butting” ourselves and others we create a life full of would haves, should haves or could haves which can ultimately lead to regret and disappointment.

Could you live with a “but” that is so big, it can make your world flat and stagnant? Or even worse, unhealthy and painful? Although it’s normal and somewhat fair to consider alternatives and options or giving people the benefit of the doubt, we must be careful not to confuse that with excuses and “buts”. We must realize that our voice is powerful and if we constantly express words of doubt and excuses, our lives will naturally manifest into just that.

To combat this “but” problem, we must first exercise our ability to believe in ourselves and be confident that we can accomplish anything we put our minds to. Second, we must begin to accept people for who they are, not who we want them to be. And lastly, we have to begin to live and build for our futures instead of always looking behind (no pun intended) at our past and using it as an excuse. It’s ironic that as black women, we are expected to have big “buts” (both in the literal sense and my case in point) whether we have them or not. Let’s stop allowing these stereotypes to exist and begin learning how to cut out all the excuses, exceptions, reservations and objections that we allow to control our destiny. Let’s begin to put ourselves first and make our goals priorities in our lives. Let’s make it a habit to put action to our aspirations; movements to our motivations and a push to our passions. Let’s start kicking some “buts”!!

Note – Please count how many times I used the word “but”. Is it safe to say I have a big one?

Most of us women claim to “keep it real” when we really are keeping it all wrong. We are working in jobs we are not really passionate about, we are in relationships that are going nowhere fast and we are hiding our true selves from friends and family in fear of judgment.

My suggestion is what I call authorizing your authenticity. It’s about giving yourself the permission to be exactly who you are with no apologies. It’s about embracing and showcasing all of the unique and special qualities that make you different from everyone else. It’s about “doing you”. I often get teased by my friends and family for my diva like antics. They lovingly make fun of the way I so naturally demand the best of everything and anything I do. My response is always the same – “This is who I am so love it or hate it”. My awareness of my true self reminded me of an article I came across a while ago written by a woman whom I always admired from a far. Her seemingly natural confidence and drive was always a breath of fresh air and inspiration. In her article she talked about how she walked away from her posh salary in Corporate America to live her passion as an actress and television personality. She confessed that once she gave herself permission to live and be who she truly was she began to live her best life. Her act of courage with no regrets is what authorizing your true being is about.

Most of us women claim to “keep it real” when we really are keeping it all wrong. We are working in jobs we are not really passionate about, we are in relationships that are going nowhere fast and we are hiding our true selves from friends and family in fear of judgment. The challenge for most of us is coming out of our comfort zones. We have become so conditioned to our daily routines – which are mainly orchestrated by someone other than ourselves, that we fear trying something new. We fear starting over, being different and not being accepted. We fear letting go of the person we are to become the person we are destined to be.

If we were to get over our fears and be careless of who approved, imagine how our lives would be different. Envision your life shaped by your own demands and rules. Imagine living your life comfortable in your skin and at ease with your decisions. A life filled with happiness and fulfillment. A life filled with self confidence and self love. A life filled with authorized authenticity.

Doing laundry has always been one of my least favorite chores. The process of sorting out the clothes in the beginning to folding them and putting them away at the end, has always caused me to procrastinate this dreadful task. That’s why I was so surprised when I experienced the most profound epiphany during the rinse cycle of my second load of laundry last week. As I proceeded to add my fabric softener it dawned on me that this very important step in the cleaning process is in direct correlation to many of life’s issues. As I watched my clothes spin vigorously in preparation for rinsing, I realized many of our problems are spinning cycles of our past “dirty laundry”. Our personal issues and challenges affecting our relationships, livelihood and overall well-being are usually the result of a cycle we either have no idea exists or one that we have identified but fear breaking it because of the uncertainty it brings.

No matter how many times we try to wash the problem away in the attempt to disguise or get rid of it, we somehow still attract more dirt and begin the “wash” cycle again.

Our detrimental cycles are the driving force behind our poor decisions, generational curses, dysfunctional relationships, addictions and toxic thinking. We are mostly unaware of these cycles because our focus is on treating the symptoms of our problems instead of curing the disease. Identifying the origin of our “dirty laundry” and why we seem to always have loads of it takes a lot of sorting and shifting within ourselves in order to dig deep to the root of it with hopes of identifying the seed in which it grows from. Usually, our cycles are inadvertently passed down to us from family making it harder to break and easier to ignore. The fear of exposing our families’ “dirt laundry” and our flaws is the number one reason why the cycle continues. No matter how many times we try to wash the problem away in the attempt to disguise or get rid of it, we somehow still attract more dirt and begin the “wash” cycle again.

The unwanted chore of doing laundry is just how many of us treat our issues. We repeatedly wait until we run out of clean clothes before we find time to wash them. Then when we finally do the laundry, we are frustrated by the amount we have to wash and the money and time we have to spend. Similarly, when we don’t work to correct our issues at the beginning they only accumulate and cause us pain, heartache and disappointment. The only way to break this debilitating cycle is to face our issues without fear of change. Because it is change and the fear of trying something new that holds us back from bettering our lives. We are so afraid of starting over and re-building ourselves that we prevent true happiness from entering. Once we begin to understand that, we realize that in order to get something we never had, we must do something we’ve never did. This philosophy has been proven, tried and true. So start working on breaking your cycle today, your next load of laundry will thank you for it.

Just like many over-packed daily travelers we women often carry unnecessary weight and baggage with us into relationships. Instead of packing light with just our bare necessities we bring our whole closet on board with the lame excuses of “just in case” and “you never know” as our justification. As a result, our over stuffed “luggage” has caused us pain, loneliness, suffering, and unhappiness. It’s time we re-evaluate our spending and claim back our lives and get rid of some baggage. Just imagine if we were actually charged for every piece of baggage we brought into a relationship. If that was the case, this recession would have started a long time ago for us. We would all be deep in debt and worried to death how we were going to make ends meet. This scenario is no laughing matter, especially when many of us are traveling with plenty of frequent flier miles.

As predicted, it was no surprise when the extra fee policy took effect travelers began to re-evaluate their priorities and what they packed. The small carry-on bags gained popularity and people were more conscientious of what they traveled on board with. Even I, the Queen of the Bag Ladies strategically packed for all my trips questioning every piece of wardrobe I took. Although it’s unfortunate a price tag has to be placed on our belongings to deem them worthy of transit, it does bring value to the fact that all we really need to travel with is our authentic selves and a camera for the memories.

Let’s make it our business to design our own baggage claim policy. We can implement a rule to bring only carry-on bags with us “onboard” into relationships. The bags should weigh no more than what we can handle and only include necessities such as openness, communication, trust and love. Any extra baggage will incur a surcharge of self-reflection, therapy and loss of love. Hopefully with this new rule in place we can lift a burden off of our own shoulders and give our airline of choice a lighter load to carry. Who knows, maybe with this new claim policy we’ll decide to travel less or shorten are trips. Or maybe we’ll decide to forgo all bags completely and purchase new outfits upon reaching our destination. Regardless of how we opt to decrease our baggage, the only thing that matters is that we are. Yet maybe this is the only time losing our luggage wouldn’t be so bad….

His theory regarding the lack of black love and marriage is a result of the low standards some black women have consciously and subconsciously set for themselves. He believes women ultimately hold all the power in a relationship and can easily “teach” a man how to treat her. He further admits a man will do anything for a woman that he values, which always leaves him questioning why some women don’t raise the bar. As I proudly digested his philosophy on the power women hold, I began to wonder how many of us are actually aware of this power and more importantly why don’t we exercise it more often.

Although Shawn’s theory does not excuse black men’s relationship behaviors or lack there of, it does give question to some of the “standard practices” we black women often communicate.

What are we really saying when we accept the title of baby mother instead of wife? Or what does it mean when we take him back after numerous cheating acts and discrepancies? Or even worse, continue to date him even though he is “unhappily” married or committed to someone else?

Are we settling for less for the sake of just having a man? Are we like candles, sensual and alluring only to be burned? Has the self-esteem of our women fell so low we accept little to nothing just to have something?

Regardless of the reason, our overall standards always have room for improvement. Whether they are currently high and need to be maintained or temporarily low and need to be uplifted; developing the habit of possessing and upholding standards should be customary in everything we do.

Either purposely or inadvertently, our tolerances become our standards. Our leniency ultimately dictate the treatment we receive, often resulting in bitterness, pain and mistrust. To combat mistreatment and disappointments we must set standards and communicate them without shame or insecurity. Our standards are ultimately a direct reflection of our self-esteem. When they’re set low, we invite less than average treatment and destructive and toxic relationships. We can’t always play victim every time we get “played” or when our expectations are not met. We must begin to write our own script, practice playing the director and set the stage for the performances we want. As we direct our show, we must be sure to create a cast of honesty, respect for self, worthiness and communication. The entire production is completely in our hands, how we present it will determine the audience we attract.

In gaining this director seat power Shawn Garrett so affectionately bestowed on us, our theater of esteem will produce nothing less than a Broadway hit!

Just remember at the end of each play when the curtains come down to give yourself a Standard Ovation!

Ignoring all ethical reasoning, these MBA’s have attracted plenty of applicants to their new school of dating. However, in knowing that everyone is not eligible and emotionally stable to handle such a challenging workload, in order to gain entrance into their program you must first go through a grueling interview process and pass their G.M.A.T. (Guys/Gals Married and Taken) exam to insure you are qualified and prepared for the difficult curriculum ahead. To prepare you for the limited quality time, cell phone only communication and second place status they encourage applicants to give up at least six months of their lives to study for the exam and take practice dates with them. Usually by the time the applicant discovers that an MBA is not for them the semester is over yet they’ve already paid their tuition. And since tuition reimbursement, financial aid and scholarship funding is limited for MBA’s, you are forced to accept their “loan” and deal with the payment consequences thereafter. Whether you decide to attend full-time or part-time the expense will be costly and could leave you both broke and unhappy.

This new dating craze is more common than we would like to admit. No longer is the single scene filled with unattached men and women looking for a good time and potential spouses. They are now all occupied by attached spouses just looking for a good time. Regardless of its nature or course, this new degree of dating has proven to cause more setbacks than advancement in marriages resulting in the disrespect of its intended institution. Choosing to live the single life while benefiting from the perks of marriage is not only greedy but ungodly and it only proves that just because its’ cheaper to keep him or her doesn’t mean you should spend your savings on anybody else.

From setting goals to negotiating deals, their tenacity to succeed and profit is an admirable trait many of us can take notes from. Just imagine if we were to adopt a few of their valued traits such as hard work, dedication, teamwork, loyalty and commitment, into our own relationships. Picture the “employees” we would attract and the culture we could create. Don’t worry that thinking this way will take away from the “romantics of love” because business is never personal…

Consider yourself the CEO and your significant other as the President/General Manager. By respecting each other as business partners the two of you can run a thriving organization with high returns and longevity. The first step is to create a business plan outlining and setting goals. In partnering to determine what you both want and desire, you can manage expectations and communicate any differences before any problems arise. Next you must identify each of your roles and responsibilities based on your given skills and experiences. Doing this will create balance between each of your strengths and weaknesses garnering teamwork and collaboration. Once your roles have been established you can then begin to execute your plan of action and tackle the most difficult task at hand – managing the “business”.

In overseeing the day –to- day operations of your relationship there are a few corporate codes of conduct you can borrow to facilitate and create a healthy and productive environment that you both will be happy to work in:

Nonetheless, a successful business is all about relationships. If you take your relationship as serious as your business, your R.O.I. (Return on Investment) is guaranteed to make you rich in love and happiness.