Take life one day at a time.  Focus on what you need to do to make yourself a better person today and that will prepare you for what life may bring tomorrow.  Treasure every moment because once it is gone you can never get it back.  Understand that although you may be going through the fire, you will come out as gold.  To whom much is given, much is required.  If you are not willing to take the necessary steps in order to develop the skills you need that will take you to that next level, then don’t be surprised that it feels as though life is passing you by.  God helps those who help themselves.  If you want to get to that next level of success in your life, than you have to give Him something to work with.  You must crawl before you walk and walk before you run.

Grind hard, stay humble and God will take care of the rest.  All good things come to those who wait.  While you wait work on you; prepare yourself for the doors of opportunities that will open.  Once they open you will be ready to receive what is on the other side no matter how big or small.

The post One Day at a Time appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

The saying that “Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is so far from the truth. I am a firm believer that you should only respond to names that describe who you are as a person in the most uplifting way. Bitch, ugly, failure, disappointment, weak…these are names that should never describe you and ones you should never answer to. When I read my word it proclaims that my name is VICTORY and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I believe this and therefore act in a way to exemplify what my creator has called me.

Listening to what others may say about you can always be a recipe for disaster. It doesn’t matter what other people call you, but it’s about what you call yourself. What name best describes you and the woman/man you are trying to be everyday. Throughout life many names will be thrown at you, but what matters is the name you respond to. Once you respond, you give that name life and accept it as part of your existence.

When I was younger I was called all kinds of names by kids in my school. Fat, ugly, nappy head, immigrant…all names with negative connotations that sent me home in tears because I took them in as truth. I felt that since so many people were saying these things then they must be true. Those names were ingrained in my heart until I realized that they continued to call me those names because I would answer to them. I acknowledged the childish ridicule, but once I realized I was so much more than those names; I gave myself new names. Names such as royalty, intelligent, sweet, kind and anything else that I knew was the proper reflection of who I was. Once I saw these things in myself, others recognized them too because I refused to let any one give me a name that didn’t correctly characterize Risa.

People will always try to bring you down not only with their actions, but with their words. Understand that you are who YOU say you are and that when no one else encourages you, you have to encourage yourself. Your name is part of your identity. If it doesn’t identify with the person you know you are, then it is not your name.

“Whats in a name? that which we call a rose by another other name would smell as sweet…” (Taken from William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet) I believe what the great writer was trying to say here is that no matter what name you give it, a rose is still a rose. No matter what name someone else tries to give you, you are still YOU. No one can take your identity away from you unless you let them. So…what’s your name?

The post What’s in a Name? appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

Instead when you exhale negativity, inhale the concept that peace is a mindset that you were blessed with. It is a gift that you have control over and the only reason you lose it is because you allow some external force to snatch it away from you. Make up in your mind that the peace that you were blessed with is far too precious a gift to allow something or someone less significant to take away. I don’t care what anyone says, peace is the most precious thing we have. When all else fades away, money, jobs, companions and even family, it is our peace that gets us through each day.

In all actuality, we shouldn’t have to make exhaling a continuous part of our lives. Rather this is how is should go…

• Exhale all the crap
• Inhale all the beauty and blessings this life has to offer, including recognition of self-worth
• Then…LIVE!!!!

Learn to live and not merely exist. The next time you exhale make sure you release everything in that one breath because after you release it, its time to start anew remembering always that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. AHHH it feels so good to exhale.

The post Exhale…for real appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

Believe it or not, this is an issue that plagues many people. The acceptance of the person they love plays a major role in who they decide to spend their life with, even if they are not necessarily head over heels in love with the person. They want to make themselves happy as well as their families, but this can backfire in a horrible way. Sometimes the only way to be happy is to ignore the wishes of your loved ones.

I have heard cases that represent both sides of this debate; being with someone because you know your family will approve and disowning your loved ones because they wouldn’t accept the one you love. When I was in college, I hung out with a girl whose family was very pro-black. I thought this was a beautiful thing because pride in one’s culture is always a positive thing … or so I thought. There was a really cool, sweet, and handsome white guy on campus who simply adored this girl. He was the perfect gentleman, and they vibed really well together. But for some reason she refused to go out with him, and believe me, he tried to persuade her to change her mind every chance he got. She finally told me that the reason was because she could never bring him home to her family. Not once did she say it was because she wasn’t interested in him or didn’t find him attractive. The sole determinant on if she would date this guy was how her family would feel about him. Many girls on campus, who knew about her reasoning, tried to convince her that they would love him once they got to know him. She refused. The guy finally got the hint and stopped chasing her. During our junior year she met a Black/Haitian young man who she clicked with. They are still together six years later and appear to be very happy. I always wondered if she could have had this same happiness with the white guy on campus if she had just ignored what her family would have thought and followed her heart. In this case, her family’s approval reigned supreme.

In a recent conversation I had with my cousin, she told me about a male friend of hers who disowned his family because they refused to embrace the woman who later became his wife. The guy is Italian and his wife is Black. From what I was told, his family was against the relationship from the beginning. They wanted him to marry an Italian girl – no if, ands, or buts about it. He relentlessly tried to reason with his family. After what seemed to be a never-ending battle, he decided to disown them in order to be happy with the woman that he loved.

Both of these cases involve issues of race, but what if the reason your mate isn’t accepted is because they don’t live up to your family’s standards? It could be anything ranging from lack of education, a criminal past, not making a significant amount of money, or  that they flat-out don’t like the person. What do you do?

I don’t believe in completely disowning your family because they were there before your mate. I’m the kind of person who will put up with the negative comments from my family, and simply defend my love for this man to the death. Yes, it may cause a strain within my relationship with my family, but if this person makes me happy then they should be happy for me. I love my family, but I won’t allow them to dictate who I choose to spend my life with. If the amount of disdain my family had for my man was too much for them to deal with I still wouldn’t disown them. They would have to disown me.

I know that there are some people who would opt to disowning their families because they feel that their ill feelings toward their mate hold no merit. They wouldn’t want to deal with constant arguments, or always having to defend the person they love. I can sympathize with this. It can be physically, mentally, and spiritually draining. No one wants to know that every time there is any interaction with their family members that they will have to deal with a bunch of negativity towards the person they love.

It is a hard situation that more people deal with than you think. If you believe that there is more than one true love out there for you then you may opt out of being with someone you care for due to your family’s opinions. On the other hand, if you know that the only way to be with the person you love is to forget about your family then you have a serious decision to make.

Please keep in mind that I am not talking about when your family doesn’t like someone because they know the person is abusive (mentally or physically), notice that this person brings out the worst in you, or that they are a serious hazard to your life. I am only speaking about someone who makes you happy and adds to your life rather than takes away from it. A person who your family doesn’t care for because of their own personal views about who they believe you should be with.

How would you deal with this issue? Would you forego your own happiness in order to make your family happy, put up with constant family arguments to be with the person who has your heart, or simply disown your family?

The post Disowning Your Family for Love: Is It Ever Ok? appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

Many may not know this, but lady Gaga come from Italian heritage. Curves are a natural asset for most women with an ethnic background. Stars are especially prompted to deny their natural figures by working out like maniacs and following an unsatisfactory diets. Having hips, thighs and a rotund behind is not the end of the world, yet society makes us feel like it is. The weight of negative comments comes down heavily on our female celebrities of Hispanic, African-American and Caribbean descent. They are told to fight these genetic curves with all of their might. By doing this, they are telling impressionable minds that they too should do all they can to fit into a body stereotype that may not be natural for their body types.

It is one thing to gain an unhealthy amount of weight that is detrimental to your health, but gaining 10 or 15 more pounds that actually compliments you is not the worst thing that could happen. I gave birth to my son 4 months ago. I lost the majority of the weight that I gained after giving birth, but I am still 15 pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. I was 130 and now I am 145 pounds. The amount of compliments I have gotten from family and friends is mind-blowing. I have had people tell me I look like a “real” woman now. My parents are from Trinidad. I was always teased about not having a bamsey. Now I have a bamsey, thighs and bigger breasts than I could have ever imagined I would have. I learned to embrace my new body because it is sexy and beautiful. I’m not sloppy. I still workout to keep things tight and to remain healthy. I am no longer obsessed with being 125 pounds.

All of our bodies change as we get older or go through life-changing experiences like giving birth. If you are a size 8 now instead of the size 2 that you were in your former years, there is nothing wrong with that. It’s all about being comfortable in your own skin and being HEALTHY. Being a stick figure doesn’t always mean that you are healthy.

We need to embrace our bodies, and the many shapes they may become. Having a little extra cushion is not something to be ashamed of. As woman this is something we need to understand, and encourage our sisters. Often times women are the harshest critics. We get enough combativeness about how we should look from men. We shouldn’t receive the same treatment from one another.

Those curves are sexy clutchettes. Flaunt them with pride!

The post Weight Gain is SEXY! Embrace those Curves appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

Strength – moral power, firmness, or courage; power of resisting force, strain, wear, etc. (As defined by dictionary.com)

This word has been synonymous with African-Americans for years. It is our strength that got us through slavery, civil rights, and even some atrocities that we still face today, but I can’t help but wonder if this same strength has also become our weakness. Have we become to bent on appearing strong that we don’t acknowledge our mortality and realize that it is okay to be vulnerable?

Being a SBW or SBM (Strong Black Wo/man) has often been something of a badge of honor, but what happens when that badge causes us more harm than good? There has been a very mixed perception of strength that says strength means you never show weakness. On the contrary, a person of true strength allows themselves to show weakness when it is merited. For example, admitting when you are wrong and being strong enough to say you are sorry. This is an act that some view as weak, but in actuality it takes a lot more strength to admit when you are in the wrong than to ignore your faults. Those who are taught to never apologize have actually been taught to be cowards because “I’m sorry” can be the most powerful words you ever say. It took me a while to realize this myself, but the moment I did was the moment I truly began to mature into the woman I am today.

Forgiveness is another form of strength that many of us in the African-American community have been taught is a sign of weakness. We are taught that by forgiving someone we are letting them off easy for what they have done. This is indeed false. When we don’t forgive others we are really harming no one but ourselves. I know this has been said many times before, but it is true. Think about it. While you are angry, hurt and frustrated about what has been done to you, the other person is enjoying life. While you are wasting time thinking about them, they are enjoying life not thinking about you. Let go and let God. If you truly believe that we all will reap what we sow then there is no need for you to hold a grudge. We only have one life to live and we MUST live it to the fullest. The one thing we can never get back is time, so don’t waste it on people or situations that are not worth your time.

To be strong, brave and courageous are wonderful traits to have, but they mean nothing without honor, kindness and some form of vulnerability. Not everyone should be privy to our softer sides, but trying to mask pain and hurt behind “strength” will eventually break us down instead of build us up. Another distortion of what strength is says strength means never asking for help. It says you have to deal with your issues on your own because anything else is seen as fragile. The reality is that not asking for help when you really need it can cause you to break and everyone will wonder what went wrong because you “appeared” to have it all together. Recognizing that you don’t have to deal with EVERYTHING on your own is where real strength begins.

At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. What others think of you should be the last thing on your mind. They don’t have to live with your problems, issues or pains…you do. Even superman had his kryptonite and had to ask for help. What makes you any different? Being strong doesn’t mean always being self-reliant. Being strong doesn’t mean ignoring every emotion you have. True strength means finding a balance and knowing when you have had enough mentally, physically and spiritually.

My strength used to be my weakness until I realized that understanding that I don’t ALWAYS have to be strong is really what strength is all about. What society has defined as strength has caused stress which eventually led to death. Be strong enough to admit your faults, let go of anger and ask for help. This kind of strength can make a world of difference.

The post Strength Was My Weakness appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

I must say that things have indeed changed from my high school and college days, in terms of what turns men on and off. I remember when taking a girl’s virginity was something young men prided themselves on. It was some sort of an “accomplishment” to say you “popped a girl’s cherry.” Now, in my adult years, men talk about dealing with virgins with an air of dismay. They want someone who is experienced, knows what they like and knows how to receive pleasure as well as give it.

From conversations with my eclectic group of girlfriends, I have heard pros and cons when it comes to dating a man who is a virgin. The majority of the pros came from my Christian friends who were either virgins themselves or made the decision to remain celibate until they got married. They argued that it is beneficial to be with someone who shares your same values, and that it would be special for the two of them to give to each other something so sacred. Then one of my girlfriend’s, who is sexually active, said it would be fun to date a virgin because she said it would be a thrill to teach him how to get down. She would be able to mold him into the exact kind of lover she wanted, and it would be a great feeling to know that the guy would never forget about her if the relationship didn’t work out.

Of course there were the ones who were completely against dating a man who was a virgin and viewed it as a major turn-off. Their arguments ranged from not wanting to be with someone who they had to teach about how to do everything sexually, that the idea of taking a man’s virginity just wasn’t appealing and that they wouldn’t want the man to have an unhealthy attachment in case the relationship went to hell.

I wonder if much of the opposition stems from the idea that a man should be the one to take control and handle his business in the bedroom? Let’s be honest, even the most independent and self-assured women have admitted to wanting a man who knows how to take over in the bedroom. Dare I even go as far as saying there is a double standard, possibly sexist notion, that women who are virgins are prized and men who are virgins past a certain age are corny or not considered “real men.”

Ladies, we want to hear from you. At this point in your life (whatever point that may be), if you met a man who was a virgin would you be turned-on or instantly turned-off?

The post Male Virgins: Turn-on or Turn-off? appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

She speaks to me, through me and in me.
She is regal in every way and her knowledge quenches the drought in my mind.

She reminds me of who I am and that I came from the divine.
I am royalty in my own right, yet humble and full of delight.

Shining through the darkness her light allows me to see my path.
She holds my hand and helps me up after I fall.
She allows me to fall because she knows that when I get back up I will be stronger and wiser than ever before.

I’ve learned from my elders and ancestors because through history they have poured into me
And I will never forget what they have done for me.

Rise up woman and take your place in society.
It is time to stand tall, your purpose continues to call.
Will you answer?

When conflicted with whether to pick up or press ignore remember what she did for you.
Remember the sacrifices of those before you.
Remember who created you.

Let her inspiration be your motivation to move closer to the light inside of you.
Let her inspiration remind you of YOU.
When times get tough, allow inspiration to see you through.

The post To the Empress in YOU appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

The answer is simple: people love to feel a level of superiority over others, and nitpick at the short-comings of others in order to distract themselves from their own issues. The best kind of criticism is constructive criticism because it is actually meant to help instead of kicking a person while they are down. Unfortunately, there is a large number of people who prefer to be mean for no other reason than to just be cruel. The same ones who would want to be forgiven or given a break when they mess up are the same ones who are quick to condemn their fellow-man.

It makes people feel good to be able to say, “I’m bad, but at least I’m not that bad.” The illusion of your better self is an intoxication similar to that of any regular narcotic. Drugs are used to distract yourself from any pain or problems you may be experiencing. Throwing stones at those who you deem to be worst off than you does the same thing.

The reality of the situation is that constantly pointing out and making fun of the flaws in others is merely a mirage. Once it is gone your demons will still be on front street. Sadly, we live in a society where people will always break others down in order to build themselves up. It’s easy to put on a facade in public, but when you’re alone there is nowhere to hide. No matter what you do to cover them up, your issues will always be there waiting for you to deal with them.

The next time you gear up to throw stones, ask yourself if you really have the right to.

The post Why We Love to Throw the First Stone appeared first on Clutch Magazine.

“Spare the rod, spoil the child.”  This Christian saying (and, yes, it is just a saying and not actual biblical text) has been used for years to justify using spanking or other physical forms of discipline to keep ill-mannered children in line. But how effective is this method of punishment? Does it do more harm than good?

Recently, rapper Azealia Banks told the magazine Dazed and Confused about the horrible abuse she endured at the hands of her mother growing up.

“After my dad died, my mom became really abusive – physically and verbally. Like, she would hit me and my sisters with baseball bats, bang our heads up against walls, and she would always tell me I was ugly. I remember once she threw out all the food in the fridge, just so we wouldn’t have anything to eat. It was like growing up a feral child, being raised by this person who was always yelling and screaming, hitting you, and dragging you around, and sh-t. Granted, she never had any drug or drinking problems – her house was clean, her hair was always done, and we had stuff – but she still f***ed me up real bad.”

What Banks went through was abuse, not simply spanking, but the ramifications are still the same: resentment, hurt, and anger . I grew up in a Caribbean home where getting beatings when I did something that was not pleasing to my parents was just as second nature as saying good morning when you woke up. It was the way my parents were raised, the way their parents were raised, and so forth. The positive outcome of these spankings, whippings, beatings, or whatever you want to call them is that I did my best never to step out of line. My mother always received praise from other adults about how well mannered I was and how respectful I was when I spoke to adults. The idea of throwing tantrums, having an attitude, or allowing my disdain to show for something an adult said to me was never an option because I knew what I would get. I did all of my chores, didn’t talk back, and got good grades in school.

The down side is that a lot of these things were done more so out of fear than an understanding that being well mannered, focusing on my studies, and cooking/cleaning around the house were all things I needed in order to mold me into the best person I could be. No questions were allowed. Anytime I asked, “Why?” the answer was always, “Because I said so.” Having children do things simply out of fear and nothing else can cause them to harbor extremely negative feelings toward their parents and can lead to the detriment of a close bond between the parent and child later in life.

The expression “spare the rod, spoil the child” was extracted from verses that are in the book of Proverbs in the Christian bible. Religious conservatives believe that when King Solomon spoke about spanking children in order to put them in line, he was reflecting on his own parenting beliefs in respect to his son, according to religioustolerance.org. The scriptures used to justify this saying are as follows:

Prov 13:24: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently).”

Prov 19:18: “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.”

Prov 22:15: “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”

Prov 23:13: “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.”

Prov 23:14: “Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell (Shoel).”

Prov 29:15: “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.”

If you interpret the scriptures literally, you may believe you are doing an injustice to your child by not spanking her. However, many scholars have roundly accepted that the book of Proverbs is a work of poetry and contains lessons–not literal instructions. Moreover, “rod” is used throughout the bible in several ways, often times used to shelter and comfort people (i.e. “Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me”) and protect sheep from harm (not cause them harm).

Many clinicians who deal with children tend to disagree with how most interpret the rod scriptures in the bible. Time magazine published an article that discussed a Tulane University study which showed children who had been spanked were more likely than the nonspanked to be defiant, demand immediate satisfaction of their wants and needs, become frustrated easily, have temper tantrums, and lash out physically against other people or animals.

The article also states that the American Academy of Pediatrics does not endorse spanking at all. They say it’s a form of punishment that becomes less effective with repeated use. As children get older, you will not be able to use the belt to get them to do what you want. They will rebel and may actually respect you less because you always turned to hitting rather than talking to them.

I am a mother and I understand that no parent likes to be told how to raise their child, but there are alternatives to spanking. You can do the time-out method, where you make your child sit in a corner and think about what he has done. You can also take away privileges or ground your child. This can be done for children of any age. It can range from not letting them watch television or play video games to not allowing them to hang out with their friends or go to a party. Another option is scolding them for what they have done, explaining to them why what they did was wrong, and why it upset you so much. This opens up the lines of communication with your child and shows that you respect him enough to talk to him about what he did wrong instead of just punishing him.

I believe a combination of all of these methods is appropriate. Occasional spankings (not abuse), scolding, grounding, and, most importantly, explaining to your child why she is being punished is a good mix that can give you the results you want. From personal experience and from what others have told me, the “because I said so” or “I’m the parent and you’re the child” explanations don’t quite cut it.

I remember when I was in high school a bunch of us sat in the lunch room and exchanged war stories about all of the crazy beatings we used to get, and sometimes still did. We would crack jokes and laugh, but in the end a lot of us didn’t understand why we got some of the licks we received. Some of the stories were also just sad and the punishment didn’t fit the crime.

Sparing the rod doesn’t always spoil the child.

The post Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child …. Really? appeared first on Clutch Magazine.