bldjw_042709_016This is a topic I am sure every Black woman has had at one point or another with their group of girlfriends. You are walking down the street and see this GORGEOUS Black man and all you can think is, “He is definitely someone I want to get to know”. As you move in closer you then see a White woman appear. She goes up to the man and gives him a passionate kiss and alarms just go off in your head. You walk away upset and proceed to call your best friend and claim, “Once again, he ended up with a white girl”.

The question is not whether this feeling is wrong or right, but rather why do some (if not most) Black women feel this way?

For some, we grew up with the notion that Black Love is Beautiful. To see two African Americans madly in love with each other radiants a kind of glow that can’t be described nor duplicated. But as we grew older, that notion began to go out of the window. We instead were bombarded by the many devastating statistics of Black men who are either in jail, dead beat fathers or lacking a quality education. Despite all these calculations, there were still a decent number of successful Black women who believed in their Black counterpart and wanted to keep the notion that “Black Love is Beautiful” alive. It is then upsetting and hurtful when you do see or meet a Black man who did not fall prey to being a number of the various negative statistics, and he chooses to be with a White woman. It is not to say that the love the two people share is not as real or strong as any other love, but it’s the REASONS given by Black men that hurt the most.

Going back to the time of slavery or more recently the Civil Rights era, if a Black man was even caught looking at a white woman with the slightest bit of desire, he was killed in the most gruesome way (Emmet Till). This is because the White woman was thought of as the pinnacle of true beauty and a Black man was not worthy enough to even cast his eyes on her. It is a shame today when I have had some Black men tell me that it is a badge of honor to be with a White woman. A certain level of respect and admiration comes with it and all I can think is, “Shouldn’t that just be the case when you have ANY beautiful, intelligent and successful woman on your arm?” This is especially true of men who reach a certain level of notoriety. For some reason when a Black man gets money, a White woman is the next thing to obtain. It is though our Black men are telling us that we are not good enough to be with once they have reached a certain level of success.

Then, there is the reason that we all hear over and over again that, “Black women are too independent.” I have read numerous books and publications where Black men have stated they prefer to be with a woman of another race (particularly White) because they are less aggressive and understand the true meaning of submission. In one aspect I agree that some very successful and powerful Black women don’t know how to let their man be a man while still maintaining their own independence, but to use this as an excuse to NEVER seriously date a Black woman is ludicrous. I recall in the movie “The Brothers” when Bill Bellamy’s character claimed that he was done with all Black women because we were “crazy”. Later on he dates a White woman who turns out to be just as crazy if not crazier. The point is that a woman is a woman and all of the negativity associated with being with a Black woman is not merited and EXTREMELY unfair. There is a very distorted message being sent that in order to have a stable and happy life with a person, one must go outside of their race.

According to 2007 census data, Black women and Asian men are the least likely groups to date outside of their race. Most Black women claim it is because of the history of racism and loyalty to their culture that prohibits them of imagining a relationship with non-Black men. But now it seems as though even Black women are dashing Black men to the side and dating more White men. It is funny because then I would hear Black men getting upset at the sight of this, but in all actuality, why should we remain loyal when you have readily abandoned your Black queen in an attempt to raise your socio-economic status?

So why are Black women so mad???? Another viewpoint is that because we are not particularly attracted to men outside of our race, we don’t understand why the Black man is so in awe of the White woman. In his comedy show, “Kill The Messenger”, Chris Rock jokingly stated that Black women are really mad at ourselves because we don’t have the same desires for others outside of our race the way our men do. I personally feel that the anger comes from a combination of all of the notions explained here.

The point is, again, not to point the finger of blame, but rather to grasp a better understanding as to why this is such a sensitive topic for Black women. Love is color blind, which means that NO ONE should stray away from a race (particularly their own) due to statistics or stereotypes that doesn’t describe the entirety of that demographic.

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  • Kaysha

    I think whomever wrote this is so prejudice and angry about not being loved by a black man that you take your anger out on women whom are white because they date blacks. I think the female in you might need to take a couple of time to calm your nerves and grow up. Black men who don’t date their own race and basically date all white women isn’t because they want to, they have an image to portray in front of their white male friends. Yes me myself as a black female in all the racial encounters I have learned about as a child from reading about slavery and all these things that go on in our society believe that African American men who go on to college and become high in society abandon there race not because they don’t love us it is because of society. They brain wash our men to believe that white women are pure and black women are black sheep. I believe African American women are beautiful not because I am that but I see you all everyday and I love every last one of you. I know how beatiful you are inside and out because everyday when I wake up I look in the mirror and Im proud of myself. I dont worry about society and these black men who leave us for these white women to make themselves look good in America! Do you undrestand me you don’t worry about Jim Crow and his installments in these black foolish men cause God says what is first will be last and what is last will be first and if you ever sat down Sister and read a bible did you know that god said his people will be sold into slavery and have everything taken away from them. Don’t worry about the devil and the foolishness he’s using against Gods men and women and making us think that God has left us. Don’t worry about the Black men who you think are something but guess what to God they are nothing. God said a man that leaves his home and does not care for his children he worst than a sinner! Black women need to worry about themselves in society worry about who you want to marry why would I want to marry a man who’s left his race for prosperity in America and left his mother for power in America. Left everything that ever loved him and gave it to the one who never loved him, would have never loved if it wasn’t for his glory! I’m telling you you people better start reading your bibles and stop listening only to the preacher on sunday. You better start loving yourself like God loves you, he don’t care what that man sees. That man isn’t even blind and yet he can’t see he traded in a queen for a peasant. Don’t you worry about these black foolish men that is just what we should name them they are wrong but people can love whomever they want. Your duty is to teach your sons to love Black women!

  • Kaysha

    About my comment I don’t mean to offend White females. I believe there are some beautiful white females in the world too and yes some of them are too queens. But they need to understand that being a Black female in the world and watching everything you love snatched from you because of all these follish rules in society can really make a person angry bitter and hate the other culture and race. I have some white female associates and I believe they are just trying to gain respect and learn about themselves just as well as we are. I think that yes Black men have been brain washed into this system of things but that is not a reason to be angry at White females. You all did not brain wash men Jim Crow and every white politician who is prejudice towards minorities has. It still taking place today because today black people don’t really look around and hell most of them could care less about what is going on with society. We need as a culture and race install morals and values in our black women and men so that we take not the bad part of history and use that to discourage one another from loving eachother yet simply take those good parts of our history and sad parts of history and change the way we love eachother. To day we kill one another day after day, us black women complain about which one of us are lighhter or darker and more attractive. We don’t take the time out of our lives to appreciate black men the ones that do go off to college and pursue dreams. Instead we discourage them but making comments about them being stuck white acting it is our own race that should be ashamed of what we do to one another.

  • Justin

    Speaking as an Irish guy who is happily in love with a Sierra Leonean woman with absolutely no cares between the two of us about our race or that of anyone else, I have to say that this is overblown. People will like who they like, and they will choose whoever they choose for whatever reason seems good to them, played out analysis like this just devalues the relationships that can form between people. Not black people and white people, or black and black, or white and white. Just people. The answer to the problem presented here is that race should not matter, instead it matters more and more every day.