Why can’t I find somebody else/When I know/Know that you’re doing wrong/It’s so hard/ Hard to let go
Picking up where Melonie Fiona’s “It Kills Me” left off, Jazmine Sullivan’s latest banger, “Circles (Holdin’ You Down),” also deals with a troubling cycle many women are caught in when it comes to bad relationships—what I refer to as the “circle of insanity.” For, if one definition of insanity is when we the same thing over and over and expect different results, the idea of leaving and then coming back to someone who treats you terribly could be considered at least slightly insane. Not knocking the song (hence the word banger), yet the lyrics in “Circles” depict the type of irrational thinking some women use in these situations.
Chances are you have a friend or family member, or you may even be, in a toxic relationship with a man. And while the idea of a good relationship is subjective, if you are staying in a relationship that is obviously unhealthy, the question is, why? No relationship is perfect. However, if you are dealing with things such as constant infidelity, lies, disrespect, physical or verbal abuse, yet you find it hard to leave, you could be going in the “circle of insanity.”
I keep going in circles, circles/Round and round/And while you’re doing me so wrong/I just keep holding you down/I feel so stupid, foolish/Loving you all this way/But what I can I say/ I wanna go/ But I keep coming back
A constant circle is a great way to describe this type of behavior. If you’re going in circles, there is no way to make or expect a change. You’re constantly back at the same point where you were: in an unhealthy relationship. Don’t be an enabler. You hold the power over what you accept in a relationship, so if you allow a man to keep hurting you while you continue to stay by his side, there is no reason for him to change his ways. Furthermore, being “ride or die” and holding down someone who continues to show you that they’re not concerned with doing the same for you is a waste. Put that energy, love, support and care into someone who deserves it.
If the situation is bad enough for you to constantly want, or feel the need, to leave, then what exactly are you missing when you do leave that makes you keep coming back? Yes, you may have love for him, but it is imperative that you love yourself enough to know when a relationship is becoming detrimental to your well-being. So, if the good times and positive aspects are overwhelmingly outweighed by the bad, there is really nothing to miss about being with this person. Get on some new ish and chuck your deuces.
I stay ‘cause I love you/But I hate that I stay/You know I won’t go /That’s why you treat me this way/I want to be happy/Though it hurts me so bad/Don’t know what it is that keeps me coming back
What is it that can keep a woman coming back to someone who treats her terribly? Well, if you are said woman, you know better than anyone. Even if you have to dig deep, you know if you are insecure, scared of being alone, mimicking your mother’s behavior, bruised from a bad break up, trying to fill a void—it could be a number of things. Be honest with yourself and confront these feelings and it will help you to realize why you do the things you do. Most of us have played the fool at least once, but the best thing to do when this happens is to learn from the situation and, most importantly, move on. Easier said than done right? Yes, healing may take time, but leaving is all a matter of will.
Alas, there is much that can be discussed regarding this topic; so many possible dynamics, both social and personal, that can come in to play. However, I strongly feel that in most cases it has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself. Some men will prey on women with very low self-esteem, knowing that these can be the easiest women to take advantage of. How you feel about yourself and how you measure your worth are elements that are sure to impact what type of men you attract, keep, and what you will deal with in a relationship. Or, as Mary J. Blige says on the remix:
How can I/ Love somebody else/If I can’t/ Love myself enough to know/When it’s time—time to let go