Note to Self

by

Janine Simon

Non-Fiction

Tuesday/Friday

Note to Self

Yo,

Not too long ago you and I were watching an online interview conducted by Steve Forbes, the chairman and editor-in-chief of Forbes media and publishing company, who questioned Warren Buffet and Jay-Z about their success and the art of giving. As the webpage finished loading and the video began to play, our cerebral cortex salivated over the exquisite idea of Jay-Z and Warren Buffet shooting the shit—sharing ideas about business and the achievement of the American dream.

Jay-Z, the Marcy projects marauder and New York City public school drop out who slung crack cocaine. Warren Buffet, the Nebraskan billionaire investor, who holds degrees from the University of Nebraska and Columbia University. Black and White businessmen who hail from two different upbringings, yet find themselves equally successful in their respective fields.

While we were watching the video at home in our subsidized housing where we do not have any worries of the neighbors stealing time on our wireless Internet connection because none of them have computers, you wondered aloud what steps were necessary for you to achieve your own concept of the American dream. Somewhere near the thirty-minute mark in the interview, Buffet admirably explained, in an honest non-condescending tone, that had he been born Black or female his talent would not have been nurtured to the same capacity.

At that point I watched you reach over to the MacBook Pro’s sleek aluminum unibody enclosure and press the pause button on the video. You leaned back in your chair. Then you interlocked your fingers and placed the palms of your hands on the back of your head, cradling the idea of inferiority that has been lodged in your brain for as long as you can remember, rocking it to sleep.

I know you so well; I could already mouth the words to illustrate the thoughts that were taking shape in your mind. So I asked you, how do you feel about being Black and female? These two attributes define your existence in this country and on this planet. Until this paradigm shifts, you are arguably perceived to be the most lowliest on the ladder of racist patriarchal hierarchy. How do you feel about this?

You rolled your eyes, started talking out of your neck, making your fingers snap. And you said to me, “It doesn’t matter how I feel about it. Who cares what others think of me? I shouldn’t pay attention to the dismissive magazine editors who detect the stench of a single parent home and public school pedigree in the subject matter of my writing samples. Surely, their perception is that I am too edgy to be the token Black intern at their publications. There is too much Lenox Ave in my lexicon. They aren’t comfortable with my political leanings toward Black Nationalism. All too often I point my phonetic pistol at the craniums of young professionals, intruders who gentrify my beloved Harlem— those who happen to work at these very same institutions. Why should I care that I may never get hired at a respected publication?

Being, young, Black, articulate, and rebellious as a man may get you a mascot status in the realm of academia and the arts—the “cool guy” symbol. But being young, Black, articulate and rebellious as a young lady makes you the flaming angry Black bitch. But why should I worry about that?

Who cares that these perceptions of my identity and professional worth spill over into my personal life? There are also several people who identify with the same cultural groups to which I belong who consider me to be a nuisance. For example, he and his friends don’t think that the length, and kink-to-curl ratio of my hair pattern is worthy enough to run their fingers through. Their commitment to radical and critical thinking comes to a screeching halt when it pertains to their personal beliefs regarding what is beautiful, virtuous and womanly. And never mind that when I try to tell them about the lump I feel in my throat, the flavor of the silence on their tongues tastes like an almost four-hundred-year-old misunderstanding.

This is my lot in life and it’s not a lot to work with, but it doesn’t matter how I feel. In this world there is no room for the intellectually violent, emotionally sensitive, and hyperconscious Black girls who will not compromise what they believe to be right and true as they make the crucial decisions that lay the brick foundations of paths that turn into the roads that lead to young womanhood. So it doesn’t matter how I feel. The only thing that matters is what I do to change it.”

From me to you,

Janine Kali Simon

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  • cocodrop18

    I love this article, I am not a journalist but as Burke Autumn pointed out it does transcend occupation. I currently work in health care doing research administration. I have to deal with condscending looks and remarks all the time with “other people” undermining my intelligence. We do need to stick together and create our own network so that we can support each other.

  • as a young black woman who moved to Korea in the last year to make her own way, this hits home in more ways than i can imagine. i absolutely LOVE South Korea and i am definitely planning on staying her for at the very least a few years, but lately i have been stuck in a downward spiral of self pity/lack of confidence.

    as a foreigner here, i do get a lot of attention and positive reinforcement sometimes, but life here is by far not without struggle, especially in my internalized war zone. while there are definitely people here that truly value me for who i am, the internal war zone has been eating me alive for the past few weeks, dwelling on the concept of being the bottom rung on the ethnic/gender ladder in every country i go to. but the things you spoke of resonated with me. now i feel rejuvenated. thank you for giving me my second wind.

    p.s.- i love the term “intellectually violent”.

    • Jen

      South Korea is an amazing place. I love that you are venturing outside of the country. Keep doing whatever you are doing. You have one more supporter holding you down. :)

  • binky

    Amen to this whole article. I always heard people say that just because you are black and a woman you already have two strikes against you like that is suppose to be my defining point or make me afraid to charge after my dreams because all of a sudden I’ am marked for failure, I say child please. At the end of the day, so people are just going to perceive you and box you how they want to box you regardless of what you say or think the only any of us can do is prove them wrong and change it

  • Love love love this Janine! As someone who knows your work first hand, you are so incredibly talented and your wisdom and fierceless prose will take you extremely far. One thing I’ve come to realize in this industry is that the more real and genuine you are, the better your work is received. I’m not passionate about cars…I don’t write about them. And if I did, it would sound like an article written by someone who doesn’t care much about cars. My point being, passion is truly the foundation for greatness. Your gifts will always make room for you. As they clearly already are ;)

  • VIXENLIBRA

    This was great! My heart is racing!