CLUTCH is excited to introduce our new romance expert, Cleonte Jones. Jones is a native of Chicago, where he took a psychology class or two at Kennedy King College after completing his GED. For the past 10 years, he has worked as a barber in Gary, Indiana. He is happily engaged to his soon-to-be fourth bride. These experiences combined have made him a relationship expert, with a specialization in Black women’s many romantic failings. This week, Cleonte will answer questions from a few readers who are totally lost in love. If you need his help, send an email to editors @ clutchmagonline.com, subject: “Save Me, Cleonte!”

Dear Cleonte,
I am 28 years old and I am a lawyer living in Atlanta, GA. I have achieved a moderate amount of professional success, I am active in my church and I do community service on a regular basis with my sorority. Friends have told me that I am a pretty woman. Yet I am having an awfully difficult time meeting a man. Truth be told, it isn’t that men don’t approach me. But when they do, I’m often too shy to really respond. I also tend to hide behind my girls when we go out, because I’m really uncomfortable talking to new people, especially men. I’d like to start a family some day. What should I do?

Sincerley,

ShyTai

Well, first and foremost, what kind of high-falluting a$s job is a lawyer for a woman who call herself wanting to be somebody wife? The Bible says something along the lines of ‘Let a man lead’ (I’d quote the exact verse, but I don’t have my Good Book with me today, please forgive) and if you intend to have a leading man in your life, you gotta let a man lead. You dig? Perhaps you can go back to school and become a paralegal or a court clerk; that way, you still get to be in the courthouse (where I reckon you like to be) and you can let a man be a man, all the while you acting like a lady.

Dear Cleonte,
I recently ended a two-year-relationship with a man who I love dearly after he cheated on me with one of his colleagues. I still want to be together and he says that he does too, but I know that he has still been seeing this other woman during our time apart. Should I trust him and try again?

Confused in Charlotte

Let me tell you something, baby girl: a man gon’ be a man. And when a man is being a man, he gon’ do man things. And women, women don’t always like man things. Especially when they involve sleeping with the woman in the next cubicle. But that’s what happens when women and men work together. It’s a man thing, you wouldn’t understand. If he’s a good man who says he gon’ love you, then I say he should get a second chance. I have been married and divorced three times and I’m working on my fourth. You know I know what it’s like to be tested by the flesh. That said, give that hard-working man one more shot. You don’t want to trade in a good old fashioned BMW (Black Man Working) for a bus pass, do you? Well, alright now.

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  • Wello

    glad this was a joke
    i was reading this thinking “this can’t be for real!! Clutch WHY!!!!!!”

    this part gave it away
    ” I have been married and divorced three times and I’m working on my fourth. “I LOL’d
    who would take advice from someone like this?
    shout out the Steve Harvey

  • Jenna

    What the heck is with you guys bringing a no-good expert like this fool whose going on his 4th marriage???? Just because you’ve had a past full of failed relationships doesn’t make you an expert. And where do you go basically telling this woman to degrade herself to get a man??? She sure isnt gonna give up her job as a lawyer and especially for your “Welcome to McDonalds” self!!! Clutch Magazine, I really can’t believe you would stoop so low…this really turned me off foreal.

    • He’s our fake expert and a joke. Please read the comments.

      Clutch