These are always harder to write on days like this. Maybe it’s the fact that this city feels like a furnace or more likely it’s the fact that lately I’ve found myself more uneasy than usual.
While I can usually handle criticism with a tough skin, it’s often my own thoughts that cause me the most doubt. Am I doing the right think? Am I making the right choices? Is it too late to get a do over on the past two years of my twenties? Can I just have a freaking break from this super rushed life of mine?
Usually tough girls ask themselves the hardest questions. And if you’re anything like me those questions can swirl around in your head like the last few sips of wine in the bottom half of the glass. It’s not that we feel unsure about everything, after all we’re aware of the kind of women we are. But it can often be the little things. And funny enough the littlest ones can be the hardest ones to answer.
Growing up I was taught that doubt was a useless exercise. Unless it was learning scientific method with the professor who downed Diet Cokes and bounced on the balls of his feet, casting doubt on your hypothesis was not the best way to approach things.
While I can get lost in his books for hours, there is one Osho quote that has stuck with me through the past few months. He says:
“Doubt–because doubt is not a sin, it is a sign of your intelligence. You are not responsible to any nation, to any church, to any God. You are responsible only for one thing, and that is self knowledge. And the miracle is, if you can fulfill this responsibility, you will be able to fulfill many other responsibilities without any effort. The moment you come to your own being, a revolution happens in your vision. Your whole outlook about life goes through a radical change. You start feeling new responsibilities–not as some thing to be done, not as a duty to be fulfilled, but as a joy to do.”
Now, I am relearning how I think about doubt and dwelling. And the truth is while the first one is necessary, it’s the second one that I will have to learn to live without. Doubting is questioning not a betrayal of faith. And I think the more I grow, the more I’ll have to learn to take a walk with it every once in a while.
Today, leave the dwelling place of your questioning. Instead, use doubt as the first step towards purpose and clarity.