Lately I’ve been thinking about the direction of my life; where I see things going versus how I want things to be. I’ve been revisiting all the things that I feel would make a complete and happy life, trying to set goals that will at least help me get close to it. Now I know and believe that ultimately a higher power decides my path–as long as I trust in Him, things will always work in my favor. But, the control freak nature that the Lord has blessed me with wants to at least try to push things the way I want them to go.

Something that I have decided is extremely important to me is motherhood. I have visions of “soccer mom of the year” dancing in my head, and I feel that I am at least somewhat prepared for the work. The problem is I have no man. Sigh! The only thing keeping me from one of the biggest moments in my life is a man–figures! The way my dating life is going I may never settle down with anyone before my ovaries shrivel up and blow away in the wind. As much as I would like to have the total package, my logical and rational side is showing me that this might not ever be an option. That leads me to my alternate plan–a sperm bank.

I have researched this thoroughly over the years, and I think this is the way to go. I can take control and have the family I want without having to wait around for a man to decide he’s ready to commit and then wait another decade for him to decide he’s ready to procreate. I’ve spoken to my friends about this: the general consensus is I’m too young to worry about this, and as long as they don’t have to help me pick out the sperm, they will support my choice.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with being artificially inseminated. Sure it would be better (and more fun!) to do it the old fashioned way, but what if that never happens? Should a woman have to give up on a part of her dreams for her life simply because someone else chose not to share in that joy? As long as she is mentally, spiritually, physically, and financially capable of caring for and nurturing another life, should it really matter that that life came from a hard tube and not a hard penis?

I do have one concern about my Plan B though. What about Father’s Day? What about Father/Daughter dances or Father/Son basketball tournaments? How do I tell my child that they don’t have a daddy like all the other kids? How do I explain to them that they are loved beyond comprehension when they might be feeling less than loved and ashamed because they are missing a “normal” piece of their life? Sure I have my dad, uncles, cousins, and countless friends that can step in as positive and strong male role models, but nothing will or can ever replace the bond and love of a biological father for his child. There is nothing like being a daddy’s girl and there is nothing like a man and his “mini-me,” but my child would never have that. Part of being a parent is that overwhelming urge to protect and shield your child from harm, but in going to a sperm bank, I could be harming my child before it ever even gets here.

The thought that I could intentionally be doing irreversible damage to my own child by making him or her a negative statistic, doomed to fail straight out the gate is heartbreaking. By choosing to go it alone, I could be hurling my son, who will already have the odds stacked against him simply because of his race, into a lifetime of struggle due to lack of parental male guidance. My daughter could end up looking to random men for the love she never had a daddy to give her at home. Not to mention all the other factors like, the possibility that the donor could be a good looking, 4.0 GPA Morehouse grad, who is also a deranged lunatic with liver issues and a warped fascination with Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, and Son of Sam. None of this is part of the dream yet is definitely part of the reality.

I have a few more years left before I truly have to make a decision, but, clearly, it won’t be an easy one. To become a parent is one of the most unselfish acts of love, yet if I go with Plan B, knowing the risks, it could easily be one of the most selfish acts I ever commit.

Would you become artificially inseminated if you weren’t in a committed relationship by a certain age? Do you think people who are inseminated are selfish to expose the child to the risks? Would you abandon your dreams of parenthood simply because you had no physical partner for the child or would you consider the other options (insemination, adoption, etc)?

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  • chanela

    what is the point of people constantly reminding folks of the obvious “its your choice” “its your life” ” its your decision” duh??? why even say that??? and then people use that as an answer.lol

  • taylor

    I think adoption is also a viable and great option. There are many young African American children looking for a home and a great mommy to love.

    • binks

      I second that, and like others hinted on the woman has to ask herself do she wants to experience pregnancy and the whole 9 yards that comes with it or just want to be a mother in general? Because if you just want to be a mother even to a newborn then adoption seems like a viable way. If you have love to give and want to be a mother why not change one of these kids life that is stuck in the system waiting for a parent(s). I just don’t see going at it alone in terms of going through a pregnancy by myself and not knowing the father firsthand and having my kid later asking me the tough/hard questions of their conception.

  • Great article. My bestie sent this to me. We are both having these same thoughts…I do not think being inseminated is selfish. People get married, have children, and sometimes it doesn’t work out. They end up sigle parents. Yes they still have 2 parents they know, but that doesn’t mean the other parent will always remain a part of the childs life. I have a couple of close friends who are single parents. One girl has a baby daddy who has only been around his daughter no more than 5 times and she is 4. I have a guy friend whose baby momma had his son because he is a pro athlete. When it didn’t work with them, she left them both. So, me doing it without a relationship or a father that my child may never know is not selfish…No I do not want to raise my child alone. But I have a very close knit family, so we will never be alone. I am watching my friends do their thing. Hey, I feel like a child motivates a good person to be greater than they intended.

  • I don’t see anything *wrong* with it, necessarily, but it is not an option that I would consider myself. Having been raised by only one parent, I think I grew up just fine, but I would much rather raise my own children in a family environment with a mother AND a father to look up to.

    Tara