Everyone knows Facebook timelines are the stuff of stalkers’ wet dreams. They make everything about your online life even more public, privacy settings be damned. But this new fangled timeline? Facebook is telling all your business in just one or two clicks. So now I’ve gotta be even more careful about who I’m adding to my friends list. I mean, I’ve always been very choosy but I need to get even choosy-er. Because there are some folks I just don’t want in my FB life–ever. In random order they are:
People who never spoke to me in college or high school
If we matriculated at the same institution for 4 years or more and never thought to speak to one another, we might as well continue that streak. If you ignored my awesomeness (and I didn’t recognize yours) while we were on a tiny liberal arts campus, then we clearly weren’t meant to be friends.
Parents (even though one is already on my friend’s list)
My mom requested my Facebook friendship when she first joined back in January 2010. I did my best to ignore it, but when she asked me about it at dinner four months later, I was shamed into accepting her e-friendship, virtually freeing her from Facebook purgatory.
But, I didn’t want her to see how much I curse. At 26, I’m still wary about letting my mother know that I can sometimes have a potty mouth. Also, I didn’t want her to see any of the foolery that the college me engaged in—like the senior bar crawl I planned which turned out to be a night of epic foolery with 200 people (mostly drunk) barhopping for 5 hours. Oh and the theme was “We’re Sotally Tober.” It was awesome, but she doesn’t have to know that. Thankfully, there are no walks of shame pics and no photos of me passed out on the floor after an extra fun night. There is that picture of me asleep in the club, but that’s okay because it could mean I just went out tired. Yes. Let’s go with that.
Now my Dad keeps asking me why I won’t add him as a friend. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll add him soon. Probably not.
Sirs, we’re done. Whatever reason we ending things I’m sure was a good one. Maybe I’m just a jerk and got bored with you one day. Or maybe the very thought of you makes me want to dropkick a teddy bear. Either way, our journey has ended. Don’t add me on Facebook. Just look at a picture of me with your replacement and then feel salty that I’ve all but forgotten you. And I surely don’t want to see you frolicking with someone else (who is clearly not as cute as I am). Let’s keep it moving and stay out of each other’s lives, virtually or otherwise.
Not that I’m a cartoon villain or anything, but I’ve fallen out with a couple of people over the years. There are people out there in the Internet ether who elicit hater thoughts and feelings in me. Like the girl who started rumors that I liked her dude in high school (I didn’t. He had bleach blonde highlights. No.). Or the guy who gave me an atomic wedgie in the 3rd grade. Either way, there are folks I don’t like at all. If I can’t stand you in real life, then let’s not connect digitally. Cool?
There are some people on Facebook who use it only to document their foolery and hoodrat ways. These people are Forever 21 in maturity level and wardrobe choices. You know who they are. The friends of friends who are always on the way to or from “the club.” Their page reads like an excerpt from “Tales of a 20th Grade Nothing.” Yes, I may know them in real life, but I’d never usually speak to them because they’re, well, hoodrats. So just stick to your bottle of Sköl vodka and don’t request me.
Everyday, there’s at least one person who posts a status in my newsfeeds declaring, “Haters won’t bring me down!” This is one status too many. I didn’t sign in for that, Mary J. *Delete* The only reason some Drama Magnets are still on my friends list? Because I know if I delete them their very next status message will probably be about me.