My day started off without a hitch. I mean, it’s Friday, the sun was set to come out and I had a long, wonderful weekend ahead of me. I get to work and go about my normal routine of doing real work in between checking blogs, Twitter and AIM. Life is good; I have a PBJ sandwich to my left, iced tea to my right and an easy day in front of me….until my phone rings.

On the other end….my ex. Sigh.

This ex and I, let’s call him Legs, had a cool, but hot mess “relationship”. We no longer date, but we’ve managed to keep in touch and check in on each other from time to time. Never in person, haven’t seen him since 2007, mostly via text and the occasional call. This call was different though, he didn’t greet me with his usual “What up punk?” instead it was “Hey, I need you to clear something up for me.”

Trouble.

After three unsuccessful attempts to put me on 3-way with an unknown person he gives me the rundown. Short version, he’s beefing with his family and a statement I made and one I didn’t have become the ammunition of choice for his entire family.

*Flashback: Last Week*

You ever have a moment where someone is on your mind heavy? So heavy that even if you haven’t spoken to them in a while you reach out just to make sure they are breathing? Well that’s what happened to me last week with Legs’ mother. I hadn’t spoken to this woman, who was the sweetest ever to me, in over a year or two, but for some reason she was on my mind. I called and after telling her about the new job, Greece, etc, she got to complaining about her son and his new girlfriend. Long story short, she thinks the girlfriend doesn’t like his 2-year old daughter and is jealous of her. I said he told me, which he did, last year that he thought she might be jealous, but never mentioned not liking her. She went on her rant calling the chick a devil and everything but a child of God. I spoke to him the next day via text and never mentioned my convo with his mother and he never mentioned speaking to her about me. We had a good conversation and that was that.

*Flash-forward: Today*

Apparently his mother took our talk to his entire family saying that he told me that the girl was jealous (which I agree he did) and I said he told me that his girlfriend doesn’t like his child. Now the family is calling her beefing and to top it all off, telling her that we are still seeing each other behind her back. Now first of all I haven’t seen him since maybe around my birthday 2007, second, really…behind her back? I look like a jump off to you? His cheating was why we ended so why would I go back to him and not just go back, go back as his mistress?! Anyway, he wanted me to clear up the story for him and gave her my number to call me. She called and sounded like the nice girl I always thought she was. She was respectful and seemed genuinely hurt by everything his family was saying. I told her my side, the same side I gave him and let her know that we are not seeing each other in any way. She thanked me, apologized for me getting dragged into this and wished me a good day.

I called Legs back to let him know we spoke and that I hope it helps. He thanked me to no end for doing it because he wanted “the only person that mattered in this” to hear the truth. We talked a little more and he gave me his side of all the family beef and then we both returned to work.

After the call I felt strange.

I wasn’t sad or depressed, but weird nonetheless. I felt hot, but not sick. Bruised, but not injured. I kept playing back the events in my mind because I really couldn’t believe I was in the middle of some he said/she said with grown ass adults. Every time I played it back, the strange sensations returned. They returned at points where I heard concern in his words. Points where he said “My girl” or “Wifey.” Points where he asked me to clear it up for him please because she’s hurt.

Every time I heard the words in my head it stung a little. It stung not because I want him back, he was a f*#king asshole, but because he never showed any of this concern to me. When I thought he was with other women I never received phone calls reassuring me of his fidelity. He didn’t care about my hurt and he damn sure wasn’t calling me wifey to anybody, not even Jesus. Why does she get so easily the treatment I felt I had to fight for? I’m not sad. I’m not wishing for yesterday. I’m actually happy for him, have been since he started telling me about her. It’s just hearing these things from a man I thought was incapable of these emotions has thrown me for a loop.

I know now in hindsight that we simply weren’t meant to be and the way I view myself and relationships are completely different now from when I was with him. Maybe the same can be said for him. All of this just makes me wonder why he could be the man I wanted for her and not me? The more I thought about it I realized what the sting actually was. It wasn’t a sting of pain or hurt, it was a sting of reflection. A sting to remind me of where I went so I never go there again. A sting to remind me that back then I wanted to be called wifey, but now I want to be called wife. A sting to show me the drama I escaped. A sting to show me how much we’ve both grown and that because it still stings a little…how far we still have to go. Once I had this mini epiphany my sting didn’t sting so much anymore. It was temporary, like my relationship with Legs and all the others that didn’t last. But I was confident that the next time a strange sensation came over me, it wouldn’t be a sting, it would be a flutter….a flutter of happy butterflies from a love that will last a lifetime.

Have you ever felt the “sting” with an ex? How did you handle it?

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  • fuchsia

    Being in the middle of that BS is too much for an ex. The sting was taken out of perspective. Looking at the big picture it’s clear that you were and still are important to him because he reaches out to you and even confides in you, but he has to prove that he isn’t a complete f*ck up when it comes to his choices in and with every woman after you. He was making an effort with the girl because he’s probably tired of messing up. This is made especially clear by his family’s disapproval of her which is why it escalated the way it did.

  • Candy 1

    I understand breaking up with someone and ending it on on good terms, but it is never a good idea to talk to an ex or his family. Doing that is just asking for grief or drama. Breaking up means you should be breaking off all communication. Makes it easier in the end.

  • Maureen

    Bottom line is he actually cares for her but did not for you. You shouldnt have gotten yourself involved. Its normal to think about him and his family once in a while but leave it at that. There is no need to communicate with any of his family members or him.