Trying be hot can turn disastrous, especially when you’re trying something new for the first time and don’t put enough effort into making sure things go smoothly. Sitcom television loves to center episodes around these types of incidents: everything from the hot mess of a Gordon Gartrelle shirt that Denise made for Theo on The Cosby Show, to Gina accidentally burning all of Myra’s hair off at the hair salon on Martin. “Ooops that’s not what I had in mind,” moments are horrible to live through but you’ve got to admit, they’re fun to watch others experience and you’ve even got to laugh at your own after the fact…you have to laugh or else you’ll go a bit crazy.
The bane of my existence has always been waxing. I’ve had the jacked up haircut, makeup gone awry, and more awkward kid style disasters than I could count, but every horror story I have about trying to be cute starts with my decision to wax something. Just this weekend, my decision to let the new girl do my eyebrows ended in my friends and I wondering how a professional esthetician armed with hot wax could think that what she did to my face was good work — one eyebrow is really arched and the other kind of droopy, making me looking like a tragedy and comedy mask or something. But wayward eyebrows are the least of my waxing woes.
My absolute worst beauty disaster occurred when I decided to have my lip waxed for the first time. I don’t even have a particularly hairy lip, so I have no idea what I was thinking. I also just walked into any old spot and didn’t think much about the quality of the job either, and that was my downfall. This woman burned the LIFE out of my upper lip. I went home and iced it and put some creams on it, but I spent the entire night laying in bed, wishing my face would stop feeling like it was on fire. The next day I looked in the mirror and saw that I had a reddish-brown welt on my upper lip shaped like two rectangular waxing strips — in other words, I had a burn mark on my upper lip that had me looking like Adolph Hitler.
It was so noticeable that I spent the next few days getting funny looks from strangers and even my boss at work (a man) asked me what the hell had happened to my face (exact words). All I could do was answer that I’d tried waxing and it went awry, to which he responded “but you didn’t have a moustache.” Too little, too late.