It happened again. Another potential discussion starter ruined by the hurt, the angry, and the very pissed off. Why must it always end like this, folks? I really want to know.

As much as I love most of you–your witty comments keep me cracking up—it’s disheartening to write articles you hope will turn into civil exchanges, only to watch them devolve into the lowest of the low. Judging from the comments on the post I wrote about the upcoming film, Qualified, Yet Single it’s easy to see why folks are uncoupled on both sides of the gender spectrum.

You love a good fight.

And while I absolutely don’t get it, I’m sick of it. CLUTCH is not the place for you to work out your anti-black man/woman issues. It’s a place of empowerment, of discussion, and of (hopefully) understanding. But what keeps happening whenever we discuss relationships (which I love to talk about by the way) is that the comments section is usually hijacked by those who are promoting hate. They hate black women, they hate black men, they hate black people who love black people, and if I slip on my armchair therapist’s cap, they sound like they have a few issues with themselves.

The amount of black folk slander that goes on in the comments section is frightening, especially considering this is a site for, by, and about black people. And I just don’t get it.

If you looked at the CLUTCH comments, you’d think that black men and women are truly at war. You’d think we were sworn enemies akin to Bloods and Crips, throwing up our respective gang signs from neighboring corners. But thankfully, I know better.

I know that—despite what some of you spew in the comments section—black men are not running away from black women in droves. The census data on marriage tells us that we, black folk, overwhelmingly marry, live with, and date each other. And while I don’t knock interracial dating and marriage at all, black men and women who choose to date and marry someone who looks like them shouldn’t be seen as backward, or close-minded, or standing in our own way either. Love is love. Whether you’re with a black man/woman or white man/woman you will face the same relationship challenges we all face, so please, stop acting like you made it out of a POW camp just because you’re swirling. Cool?

I know I sound preachy. But I take the well being of black folks seriously. As a woman who was raised by her black parents, grandparents, extended family, and am currently mothering a young black son, this shit is personal. To watch your “community” tear each other apart like rabid dogs fighting over stale scraps of meat hurts. And as someone who is hoping to inspire others and spark constructive dialogue rather than stir the pot for the sake of hundreds of angry (and hurtful) comments, these exchanges continue to sadden me.

But all hope isn’t lost. While the comment sections continue to fill up with repeat offenders and trolls, I hear from many of you on Facebook or Twitter or out on the street, and your appreciation for the site shines through. Like me, many of you hate the comments, but love the work that we do here, which continues gives me hope.

It is for you, the supportive ones, that keep us up late at night, working through holidays, and barely taking vacations. You give us wings, whether you know it or not. And it is for you, the sometimes-silent majority, that we’ll continue to do the work, attempt to engage in meaningful conversations, and write about the things that affect us most.

Until we realize Rodney King’s dream of all getting along, try to place nice Clutchettes and Gents. We’re watching.

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  • omfg

    forums are just where people say what they are really thinking.

    not sure why anyone would be surprised that it’s not a big kumbaya moment when a lot of black women express how agrieved they feel by bm.

    in light of the issues impacting black people – high incarceration rates, high rates of abuse for black women/girls, high rate of children without fathers around, etc – it’s weird that anyone would think there’s no pent up frustration. it’s weird that people don’t seem to believe that black women have a story to tell themselves, one that isn’t all rosie.

    i don’t think comments should be cut off because they don’t fit into your idea of black love. but, comments that are just malicious by certain males here, maybe should be looked at.

    • LMO85

      EXACTLY!

  • Toppin

    And here the nonsense again.

    I posted ONE reply to you (no huffing and puffing here…no need when anyone reading these comments between me and you can see the clear educational gap between black men and women!) that shut you completely DOWN (H helped too).

    Your exact comment was that 72% of black women have children out of wedlock. I corrected you with this: 72% of black children are born out of wedlock…72% of black women do NOT have children out of wedlock.

    Then you went on to say 80% of black women are defective. You said NOTHING about the 80% being your opinion. IN fact, you stated it as if it were FACT…not a work of your imagination. H shut you down. Yet you keep coming here with same trash and stating it over and over again though you clearly don’t even understand the nonsense you KEEP stating. YOU CLEARLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND STATS. Nor do you have a complete grasp of the gender politics present in the community. In fact, I’m almost certain you are simply stated what you have heard from others without doing any research of your own.

    Furthermore, simply because black women and men were married to each other in higher numbers back in the day doesn’t mean those were happy unions. A look at the literature written by BOTH black men and women can prove that to be a lie.

    If that is not sufficient I invite you to read some books by YOUR deceased black MALE sociologist. They all pretty much highlight the gender war and they go back as early as the 1930s.

    People really do need to read the writing on the wall. It seems to me whatever unity that existed between black men and women in this country has been a FORCED unity mainly due to racism. After we got our civil rights that unity fell…as any forced unity would once the thing forcing two parties together has let up.

    MOD: POST THIS COMMENT PLEASE.

  • iQgraphics

    “Up until the 1950′s black women were married at a higher rate”

    Just because they were married on paper does not mean they were happy or stable.

    Their offspring were greatly effected by these static relationships.

    While I appreciate numbers and statistics, they actually mean nothing…
    I mean, how many black people were actually participating in the gathering of statistical data? ie Cencus.

    I STILL choose not to participate.
    and I won’t until the end of the electoral college.
    Many blacks of today and yesterday have and had their reasons for not participating in the collection of their personal information. Most of it is based in fear.

    Anyway, looking through a pinhole to see the sun is what statistical data boils down to.
    IMO

  • iQgraphics

    @Toppin
    I didn’t mean to reiterate. I think we were posting at the same time.

  • minna k.

    Clutch, please don’t.

    That qualified but single mess was classic satire, and pure comedy. Please keep them coming.