I’m not quite sure when it happened, when dating devolved into dudes just asking women to “come over and chill” instead of out on a proper date, but as a grown woman tired of the game, I think getting to know someone should happen outside the confines of your home.

Recently, I talked about realizing I have a type of guy that I’m attracted to. Despite dating all sorts of men, I typically end up with “different” guys—brothas who are slightly quirky or of a different culture than my own. I’ve dated Jamaicans, Ghanaians, Southern gentlemen, Brooklyn dudes, and now a black Frenchmen. Although they were all vastly different, they had something in common: they tried to trick me into being the come over and chill girl.

You know how it goes. You meet a cute guy, exchange numbers, and instead of asking you to hit up the latest Romare Bearden exhibit, he suggests you come over and watch movies, which is guyspeak for “I’m cheap and I want some ass.”

I won’t lie. I’ve fallen for the “come chill” request a time or two in the past, but after last year’s chillin’ debacle when a guy eight years my senior tried to make me feel childish for wanting to actually go on a real date instead of being cooped up in his apartment watching reality TV and dodging his wandering hands, I knew my come over and chill days were officially over.

But brothas keep trying. “Come over and chill” must be underlined in the international man handbook, because no matter where the guy is from, he will still try to work that tricky little number on you. The Frenchman certainly gave it a shot, but I nixed that idea before it had a chance to really hit the ether. However, some women aren’t so forceful in knocking down the request to chill and end up caught in the no-date matrix.

I know the dating game can be hard and often times annoying, but failing to require a man to meet your expectations—thoughtful gestures, planned dates, good manners–is no way to operate either.

Falling into the very frustrating trap of being the come over and chill girl is a dead end. Trust me. One day you’ll get tired of watching him play Call of Duty 35 for the 127th time and you’ll want to knock him upside the head with the remote.

Before it gets that far, just tell the next man you meet you want to get to know him the old fashioned way—outside of his house—and if he blinks, well, then he wasn’t worth the time anyway.

Have you ever been the “come chill” girl? How did you break out of that pattern? 

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  • Toni Mc.

    I just said yes to coming and chilling smh, been talking on and off with this guy. We’re going to watch football and chill, SMDH, this is the first time we’re hanging out. Trust this is the first and last time I’m chilling with him, it’s boring and tiring. I did tell him, I will chill with him this time but next time we doing something different. I’m 24 and dating is hard, I don’t want to fall into the come over and chill girl routine. That just means he’s not going to put the time or engery into getting to know you. I can’t sell myself short, this is the last time for chilling. Either he takes me out next time or on to the next. What he won’t step up to do another man will. I see my downfall by not setting my standards. I’m not going through what I went through last year with dating. Thanks for the article it opened my eyes.

  • Stop and think, then act

    I’ve never been on a come over and chill first date. I chill with my friends, I would never even consider going to the house of a man I barely know by myself. I have no desire to come up missing. That foolishness is dangerous.

  • Hann

    Never done it with someone I was serious about. But strangely am finding my bf of a year starting to do it and I am a going out sort of person so i talked to him about it and he said hed try harder. Though nothing has actually changed so far. Am at that point where I’m half in half out. He just doesn’t act like he wants me.

  • Rose Marylove

    After I and my lover spent about 11 years together, my boyfriend told me that we can not be together. and already We were making ready ourselves to get married this year and I was very happy and absolutely ready to marry him. this breakup started when he went a little far from the city where I live, a year before. He found a good job out there. And he promised me to come back in one or two years. In the mean time, I found a job around his place (we take it as a good opportunity for us to start living together) but the company I worked for resist to leave me since I am a responsible person in the company. They offered me a very nice salary increment with huge responsibility of work. Then I told to my boyfriend I preferred to stay where I live and work, since, he has not a plan to live there forever. He was very upset at the moment… and ignored me totally. I tried to contact him but I can’t. Following so much effort he sends me a message saying “our relationship is over”. I never expected such a thing to happen, so I got sick. Even after so much begging he allow me to see him, but told me the same thing that it is over. I asked him the real reason. He said, you never listened to me, you never gave me credit, and you disrespected me…..and so on. I never noticed such a thing in our relationship before, so I got shocked and couldn’t say a word in front of him. For me our relationship was perfect. And I really love him. I want to be with him. I send so many letters saying I’m sorry, I tried to contact him but there is no reply. I did everything to attract him and live with him forever but nothing was going through. so I needed a help on how to get my lover back. I had the feeling that he still loves me, though he did not say a word. I needed help seriously. I thought it will never possible to get him back and be the happy couple again? so when I read testimonies about SAMURATELLERSPELL100@YAHOO.COM I contacted him and he told me that my case is a simple one to solve, so after his consultation and casting of his spell my boyfriend emailed me telling me he was sorry for all that he did to me, that he is ready to marry me now, I was shocked, I never believed that GREAT SAMURA could make such thing to happen with his spell, today I am getting married to my boyfriend, and I will never forget this spell caster I will always talk about him anywhere I go you can via email SAMURATELLERSPELL100@YAHOO.COM or his website http://samuratellerspell.webs.com/ or call him +2348103508204 if you have similar problems.
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  • PenguinHater

    Maybe you should stop dating black dudes… just saying. This is on you. you know how they treat you and yet you still try and date them expecting different. Terrible..