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A few days ago, an anonymous black man published an honest self-critique titled “Confessions Of a Former Self Hating Black man who Used to Bash Black women on Social Media.”  In the piece, the author claims he published to answer the frequently asked question “Why do black men come down hardest on black women?” and give insight into the thinking that creates the black woman bashing mentality, the writer goes begins by defining a “self-hating black man”. He wrote: “What exactly is a self-hating black man? A self-hating black man can be a lot of different things but for me it was a man who was not fully comfortable in his blackness and as result directed his feelings into other things in order to compensate. For me to reach the point that I am at now where I am able to label my former self as a self-hater has not been easy but through thinking back on my former thought process and actions It’s a conclusion that I found I cannot escape.”

He also delves into his personal account of the adolescent thinking that lead to a preference for white girls and other non-black women, noting a burning desire to fit into a social environment that rewarded interracial dating and even deemed black women inferior to their white or Latina counterparts. “The mindset of my friends and I at the time could be summed up as something along the lines of “if she ain’t white, she’s at least gotta be light”, he wrote, while also highlighting the prevalent stereotypes about Black women he had then internalized. That they were too argumentative, loud, unagreeable. And of course, that they were too “black.”

From an early age, the author knew and understood that black physical traits weren’t deemed beautiful. So in adolescence, the boys around him sought partners who would give them mixed children with “good hair”.

“By wanting mixed children with “good hair” I was in a way putting down my own black features. I had thick nappy hair and dark skin. My features where in direct contrast to the features I wanted my future children to have which looking back on it now I see as a big problem.”

He concludes simply: “If you want to know why some black men post derogatory things about black women online ill tell you. The answer is quite simple. Black men who put down black women do it simply because they are not comfortable in themselves and in their blackness.”

The piece was honest, reflective and poignant. It detailed a reality many people of color must face as we navigate a white-dominated world that incessantly claims we are inferior to whites. Why, then, was it met with such vitriol from black women? Here are some examples of comments on the piece:

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With certainty, the subject matter hits close to home in a very hurtful way. We have all had experiences being undervalued and overlooked. Black women have every right to be angered by the continued marginalization they face not only by white society, but even by the men within their very community. But it saddens me when black people– men and women alike– cannot offer support in moments when we are the most vulnerable. When we put ourselves out there, not seeking judgement, yet we receive just that.

In truth, if more black men were honest and open about their internalized self-hate that translates to contempt for black women, we would have a stronger black community. But how can we expect honest, open dialogue if any attempts at them are stricken down in the name of offense? Racism is offensive. So is white supremacy and self-hate. The only way to overcome these realities is to foster self-reflection, openness and dialogue. It is important that we always put that goal ahead of our hurt and offense.

Image Credits: My Black Matters

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  • mmmdot

    “These Black men that smile in your face in real life are the same ones bashing Black women on the internet. And if they’re not actively condemning it, they agree with the bashers.”

    Exactly. And at this point whatever their problem is – I’m fed up. And I have no more sympathy to give and I’m not holding my tongue anymore. They expect us to be “Strong Black Women” – super human being that has zero reaction to abuse and even THRIVES on it. I’m not some object that immediately bounces back into original shape no matter how many times it is thrown down some stairs.

  • jazzycatmanliving

    This is the legacy of slavery, it has only been 160 yrs since physical bondage has been eliminated. It will probably take another 160 yrs to eliminate the contagious so called self hating baggage.

  • Given how society is and the way some black women (and men) behave and talk, I cannot really blame some black people for having self-hatred.

    But, what matters is being who you are as a person. Follow your heart. Go after who you want. Do what you want to do. Don’t let other people define you.

  • AllReligionIsFalse

    All the vitriol comes from one place. Men don’t understand something about women because men are different than women in this regard. If you piss off a woman, you might as well forget about having anything to do with her, especially a black woman. Which isn’t to say you should project this onto all black women, but R. Kelly’s ‘When a woman’s fed up’ was not written as fiction. See, men forgive because men need to forgive to get along with each other. Can’t build societies, hunt, fight in war with a man who you don’t trust. But women don’t have to do that, women don’t build they maintain. So, women apparently haven’t developed the ability to ‘forgive and forget’.

    When you hurt a woman, especially a black woman because their hormones are stronger than other women, you have made an enemy for at least the next 3 years. She might smile at you, but under the surface she is seething with rage that will not go away until she has practically tortured you to death. See, the women who are pissed at this guy aren’t pissed because of the reasons their saying. “He only realized this because he couldn’t hang with white women’. No shit. Quit being stupid.

    If you’re raised to believe the sky is red, and you never see the sky how the hell are you supposed to know that its not red? You see this is the reason experienced men don’t apologize to women: because they know that a lot of women are petty and they don’t feel right unless they feel like they’ve gotten revenge. So these women get angry and they see a guy who is being vulnerable, and just like their master taught them, they POUNCE. Like piranhas to a kill.

    This prevents men from being open and vulnerable because they see other black men get ripped to shreds. Without picking sides on whether or not he should’ve posted that, my question is this: what do black women think is going to happen by denigrating their men like this? Do they think they’ll be like, “Damn, they REALLY TOLD HIM. We should all sign up for that!” I guarantee you that’s not what’s happening. What’s happening is they see they seething hatred and anger from black women, and they simply just…walk away.

    While the black women scream ‘GOOD GET LOST FUCKBOY’ “STUPID COON”, it slowly grows darker and darker. And the women realize they’re all alone, because yes YOU STUPID BLACK WOMEN WHITE MEN ARE READING YOUR COMMENTS TOO! I go onto white forums for breaking news and you wouldn’t believe what they’re saying about you. They call you mudducks, say you STINK and have a foul odor, they say that you are not loyal and they laugh at the idea of being with you. “If they’d do that to their own men, what would they do to me?”

    So I mean, if you think you’re helping yourself by eviscerating this admitted fool, any man who falls for anti-black propaganda is rightly called a fool but at least he recognizes it unlike YOUR FOOL ASSES, you are not. You are only pushing away the only person who has incentive to help/heal you. Which is fine, because men DON’T NEED YOU TO BE HEALED. No matter how much you yell and try to hurt this man I will tell you something, a secret that may shatter your illusions: he will never be as hurt by your words as you were by his. NEVER. Men don’t internalize things as heavily nor take things as personally as you women do. Its just one of the many psychological differences we share.

    So you think that by hating him and all black men you’re getting your revenge. And you are. Enjoy the feeling. Enjoy knowing you are destroying your own/yourself. Enjoy the drunken revelry. ENJOY THE WHITE MEN. Because when it is all over, you will die alone. Not because black men will take revenge on you, but because by being hateful you become hateful, and eventually you can’t hide it. The white man you run to, IF HE DOESN’T ENSLAVE YOU AGAIN, will run from you as your hateful nature seeps from your pores. You can never build on hate, hate can only destroy.